One Year in Paris

Oh wow! It's been a year! Time flies! 

I never thought that time would pass so quickly. Just eleven months ago, I imagined it to be crawling like a tortoise. I never anticipated the fact that I would come to love and leave the petit town of Rueil-Malmaison so soon. 

And my heart aches for it. 

Just a year before, I came to this small town and I thought, "Oh wow! This looks like Kampung Koh! Why do so many people want to visit or live in France?"

When I saw Paris, I thought, "MMm... Dubai looks much better than this. All the buildings in Dubai are sparkling and shiny, tall and muscular. The buildings in Paris look faint, faded and low. And most of them are all white."

My inner voice then responded, "My goodness, Jean! Didn't you expect this before you came here? I mean, what did you expect? Don't buy a pony and expect it to be a horse, or buy an orange and expect it to taste like an apple! They are totally different items, different creatures!"

"Come on! Don't be a spoil sport. Look around you. There must be bound to be something that you will like here."

So, that was my little self-talk back then. I initiated many activities which involved an individual - myself, or two individuals - me and my friend, or many individuals - my friends and I. It was through these activities that I learnt again how to interact with people, how to love and how to live. 

The first step was tough, though. It was finding the courage to live again. After feeling oppressed for 2 years, all I wanted to do was cry and lament. But then I thought, "Here I am in Paris! The city that everybody wishes to be in! What am I doing here? Crying? Come on! Wake up! Smell the flowers! Breathe in the air!"

I started by going for short walks along the river, which began for about 15 minutes each day and eventually lasted up to 8 hours at the end of the year. Along these walks, I met nice couples holding each other hands lovingly strolling in the quiet evenings. I saw little birds swooping down onto the river surface, looking for insects and flies. I saw ducks and swans waddling in the water. I saw fishes swimming too. I saw trees shedding off their leaves one by one as winter drew near. One week, I was too busy to notice them floating down onto the green patch of grass. A week later, I noticed the tree had lost all of its leaves! I was so sad! It seemed like my life then. Lost everything. Aimless. 

In my first two months in Paris, I began taking kick-boxing lessons, which I eventually stopped after two classes as the journey to the class was too dark, and I really didn't like being boxed, even though I loved the warming up and boxing others part. It goes without saying that being on the receiving end of endless hits and boxes is not fun at all. I'd end up with bruises at unwanted places. It was rough and unruly. I wasn't playing on level ground. Others had far more experience than me. It was not fair (Nothing ever is fair, except in school.) 

Everybody in my class was younger than me and I had trouble fitting in. I was way too serious, they were way too complacent. I would be studying everyday, they would be busy planning how to party and where to party every evening. I was itching for finding a soul-mate, somebody whom I could talk heart-to-heart with. They were mostly guys and all of them wanted football, fun and booze. I tried my best to play their game, but my heart knew I wanted something differently. We were all singing a different tune. Each trying their best to make a song in our own way. 

Then came the New Year! Yes! New batch of students have arrived! I am elated! I can't believe I found somebody I could clique with! Ahh! What a cliché! "From Russia with Love!" I love my  Russian friends. They teach me how to braid my hair the Russian style, eat Russian pancakes and loving the Russian language. I love to say "Paka-paka!" or 'Nyet!" or "Pasiba!" It sounds cute, short and straight to the point. 

When spring came, I was so happy! I began to notice little yellow and white daisies popping up from the ground. I saw bees and butterflies flying around flowers which smelled so heavenly sweet. I began to see figs, oranges, apples, cherries and lemons popping up and increasing everyday! Each flower had their own specific aroma. It was just so fun picking every one of them just to smell them or even look at them. A pleasure to the eyes indeed. 

Ahhh.... Looking back I began to realize that our lives are full of ups and downs, like the mountains, with peaks and troughs. But they will remain green forever and ever. So does my heart. My life may have many happiness and sadness... but it will always hope and trust in God. It is God who sustains me, who loves me and leaves me never wanting anything else. He keeps me fulfilled. He keeps me safe. He protects and delivers me from all evil. He is my guardian angel. He is my protector and my saviour. Therefore, I will not worry about anything. 

Nowadays, I am afraid of nothing. I am just thankful that I am alive and God has called me to his side. I am glad that he finds me useful in a way and glad that I have found my calling - to be a reservoir engineer. I love my life. I will never let anybody influence or control it again. True liberty is being free of all bondage and pressure to oblige, to conform, to bend and yield to the will of others, to be able to truly say what you mean, and mean what you say without fear of being offensive or hurtful. It is the ability to receive criticisms with grace. To reject myths and beliefs about you which are based on lies and mis-perceptions. To be ourselves. 

We are the only ones who know who we truly are. Therefore we will not fear. As long as we are united in Christ, we will be strong.