One Month in Paris - October 2013

I've been in Paris for one month now and I daren't even utter a word of French. Every time I open my mouth, I'm almost afraid a frog will leap out of my mouth, causing people to run miles away from my poor and incomprehensible French. And I thought that learning French was easy. 

I speak to my French teacher about my predicament and she advises, " Jean! Be brave! Be courageous! You speak well! Don't be afraid! Just speak!" 

I took her advice fairly well, and the next day I was at the market, trying to convince the fish monger to cut my fish into four pieces. He understood! I was delighted! Yes! 

It was also a surprise for me to find out that most of my class mates are younger than me. In my mind, I expected the Masters programme to be populated by people who has had years of working experience. But apparently, it is not so this time. There seems to some sort of exception this year. There are people who come late to class, who think they are better than others, who think they don't know anything, who couldn't care less... who, in short, are different from me, and hold on to principles which vary from me. There are not many like me. I miss my like-minded friends in Dubai tremendously. I miss my second home and my adopted parents, brothers and sisters. 

Fortunately, the things I learn are pretty new for me. I like geology. I love imagining things and how everything came to be. I love to know their chronology, their origin, their evolution. Rocks and oceans, mountains and valleys, fjords and glaciers... oh! This is exactly why I'm here! I love being out in the countryside, by the beach, studying rocks, waves and sand grains. 

There might be some ups and downs. Please, God, help me to see the upside soon! 

Just as I am embarking on a journey of emotional healing, my ex-boss calls to tell me that he will be back in Malaysia and he asks me to do him a favour. I held my end of the bargain but he did not hold on to his unspoken rule. I am annoyed and disappointed. I can't believe it! But it's expected! So, why are you disappointed? Why have your heart been cut? 

Perhaps, somehow, I hoped somewhere that he would find somewhere deep down in his heart to have the decency to do a good deed... Hmph... tough luck. It never happened. Instead, I received a stab from the front and back. Something in me died the moment I saw it. I think it was hope. 

Hope died. Life is hopeless. Where is thou hope? 

At this moment, I remember precisely why I am here. To escape from it all. To be out of the rat race. To avoid being trodden like trash or stepped on like a carpet. To avoid being squeezed dry like a sponge and being bitten on like a young deer struggling away to get from a hungry, angry wolf. 

Perhaps, as with all things, this state of fragility will soon heal too. Time heals. You just have to be patient. 

I wish. I desperately wish that the healing will take place soon. 

I need it. So, so much.

Life without Hope.. This is how my life looked like in October.. 

Grey, Gloomy, Dark and Cloudy...