When I first came to Paris, I had high expectations and numerous objectives. I wanted to build up my technical knowledge. I wanted to take a break from work. I wanted to date for real, for once. I wanted to find myself. I wanted to know who I was. I wanted to travel around the world. I wanted to live in France. I wanted to learn a new language. I wanted to study human behaviour. I wanted to live truly away from my family - for once. I wanted to seek a life without stress and pressure from others. I wanted a life for myself, where I did not have to play any roles or accountability. I wanted to experiment with life, to do things that I never got to do in my thirty years on this earth. I wanted to do something new; to take the chance to do it all, once and for all.
I came to Paris with the belief that once I did all of this, I would be satisfied, I would be contented. Only then, will I be able to return to my home country and be a matured adult who continues contributing to society.
After six months in Paris, have I achieved all of these objectives?
I can only wonder. Sometimes it seems as if it is never enough. When we have tasted something good, we only want more of it. We never stop wanting it, until we tire of it.
In terms of technical knowledge, I think it's pretty good. I'm gradually cramping all the equations in my head that now I think I can spew out equations like the sugarcane juicing machine. I still don't like mathematics, but at least now I understand them better and I don't fear them anymore. Give me any equation now, and I can tell you its history of how it came to be so.
Sometimes, when the equations and mathematics is too much for me, I often wonder, "Do I really want to know this much?"
Then I remember the wife of my boss advising me, "No! You mustn't think that! The knowledge that you gain will be useful for your future job, career, company and country! So, keep on studying and pursuing knowledge and learn all that you can! Absorb as much as you can! Fill your mind with curiosity and keep your imagination running wild!"
A person once asked me if I'd rather be a big fish in a small pond, or a small fish in a big ocean. At that time, I was tongue-tied. I wanted to be both. I thought it wasn't possible. I had learnt the hard way that usually, we can't have both things at the same time. We usually sacrifice one for the other. But now that I'm here, I think it is possible. The choice between the former and latter, is just a matter of stages and our respective phases in life. When I am young, I'd rather be a small fish, swimming happily and freely around the big blue ocean. But once I've gallivanted everywhere, all I want to do is return to the small, quiet pond and start figuring out big plans on how to inspire smaller fishes to venture out to see other colourful fishes in the ocean and somehow bring some changes into that small pond, perhaps beautifying it, enlarging it, or putting more variety into it. By that time, I would have had experienced all that life has to offer and nothing would have fazed me anymore.
I am also glad to announce that these six months has been a tremendous time for emotional healing. I know healing doesn't happen instantly. It takes time. I don't know when it happened. But one day, after about four months in Paris, as I jogged by the river with a friend, appreciating the grass, the birds, the clouds and the flowers and the company, my resentment just dissipated into thin air, and I began to be flooded by a sense of deep, pure joy radiating around me. It was sort of a eureka moment for me. The realization that life is beautiful as long as I do not hold on to the past. By licking my own wounds, and putting the blame onto everybody else, I only end up hurting myself more. If I want to love myself, I should invest in myself. Eat healthily, stay healthy by exercising and building up long-lasting relationships. Never burn bridges. Always do the right thing. Since I am not cunning or sly enough, I might as well be the best person that I can and stick by God's principles and philosophies.
When I was invited to another friend's house for crêpes, another for a nice, scrumptious meal of spaghetti, chicken, potatoes and salad, I knew I had experienced another breakthrough! Suddenly, I knew it. I don't form close relationships with people easily. But once I do, I am able to connect with people on a deeper level better than I thought.
I also found out that it takes about six months for me to get accustomed to a new place, new language, new culture and new environment. I think six months was about the time I got used to the life in Dubai too. In short, six months is the duration for me to experience a turning point of my life in any foreign environment. In my first month, I may be timid and cautious. But by the sixth month, I have found out who I can trust, who I am able to mix with without any reservations, and who I am able to connect with on an emotional and intellectual level. All it takes is one single person who shows me that life can be beautiful with him/her around and I am hooked.
I have come to accept the fact that people communicate with each other differently. I can't change people. But I can seek to understand each and every one of them so that I can communicate with them and help each of us to see eye to eye. I don't like conflict and always avoid them wherever possible. I don't like to put myself in a compromising position and struggle like a lamb caught in a barbed-wire, trying to wriggle myself out of a difficult situation. Nope. I've been through it and I never, ever want to go through it again.
I also know that deep down, I am an introvert, even though I may seem like an extrovert at times. All I need is to find 1-3 good buddies, with whom I can have heart-to-heart conversations and I would feel as if the whole world resonates with my song. Even if I had only one good friend, that would mean tremendously to me. And usually, with one good friend, the second, third and fourth would just fall naturally into the line.
Travelling to see a new place is also fun, more exciting and stimulating than travelling on a job. It is all very well to have the company paying you to work and play at the same time. But to mix play with work is not my vocation, as I am always trying to focus and put first things first. I can't play wholeheartedly when all there is in my mind is work! Therefore, I will ensure I take at least one or two weeks of vacation every three to six months in future and keep these days free from the hustle and bustle of daily life.
I also learnt that while it feels really good to live a life all by myself, with no obligations whatsoever to any family members, peers, friends or colleagues, it would be more meaningful to live a life with the purpose of making a difference and improving the life of others and myself. A life involving people and my loved ones are more meaningful than a life led alone. What is life if it consisted of only eating alone or jogging alone or travelling alone? Had God created man for being alone, he would not have created Eve. We need each other. Therefore, people came into existence. Not just one man, or one woman, but man and woman, and multiple men and women.
Of course there were times when I often doubted whether my decision to come to Paris to study was a good one. To incorporate so many objectives at one go, is it really feasible?On hindsight, I think it is . Because I love challenges, having several objectives and long term goals only make it more exciting. Like a white-water raft floating on gushing waters down the mountain slopes, life is like a meandering river. It curves and branches out when you least expect it to.
Is it a waste of time and resources? I don't think it is. Because we only live once. We are only young once. There came a time when I wasn't afraid of jumping into the deep, cold and dark valley of unknowns. I just wanted to leap out of the burning pot. I couldn't care less about what would happen, much less about what others thought of my 'drastic' decision. I just leaped because it seemed like the only way from keeping my soul from being burnt.
We are often taught to think about the consequences of our actions. It looks like the only way to do everything. Analyze - Act - Evaluate. Sometimes, this theory is invalid in practice. There is another course of action. Look-Leap-Feel. At one point or another, all of us need to do it, just to get the sense that we are still alive and kicking.
