Embracing Life

So, It's been seven months since I came back. I still miss my IFP School life, but not as much. Life is picking up. I'm getting busier in work and in my personal life. I have more things to look forward to right now. A potential Ph.D, a potential long-term relationship, a bible-study group, practising with a circle of fencers, a morning and evening exercise routine, and weekends meeting friends, baking, writing and outing with my brothers. Ahh... I suppose this is what you call a 'stable life'. 

Yes. I do miss living as an expatriate. Like all things, though, there's a downside. Even though I can earn lots and spend without a care in the world, and I have many friends, there's a lack of stability. It seems while working as an expat, I always seem to be making new friends and saying bye to old ones. Life seemed really short, and I never really learn how to develop long-term relationships. Perhaps, that is why I fitted like a fish into water. Throughout my life, how many long term relationships have I developed? 

However, it has also been through this short term assignment, that I learned to recognize and know myself. I know what I want now, and I will work towards it, regardless of what others may say. After all, it is my life. After all, I will only be happy when I am singing the song of my heart. 

Yet, what is the song of my heart? Throughout these past 8 years, I have been through the following phases:

Year 1: Work for freshness, excitement 

Year 2: Work for exposure 

Year 3: Work for learning 

Year 4: Work to fulfill others needs 

Year 5: Work to fill in the gap

Year 6: Work for money 

Year 7: Work because I needed to 

Year 8: Study because I wanted to 

Year 9: Work to contribute towards the development and improvement of various disciplines

I find that I am happiest when I am studying to have my questions answered, and learning how to think, analyze and question, I am also happiest when I can see the bigger picture and visualize the end goal of my work. Right now, all I want to do is to help solve a problem. It may take a long time, but I will work towards it anyway. 

"The toil of a fool wearies him,

    for he does not know the way to the city."

(Ecclesiastes 10:15)

Now that I've found my way, I have found my song, and I will enjoy my labour. 

As much as I am eager to see changes being implemented at my workplace, I am beginning to see and understand that changes do not happen over night. Like day and night, which goes through dawn and dusk, changes take time. I must wait, be patient and learn to bend my head, shoulders and waist, like the bamboo in the storm. 

I am also beginning to realize that long-term relationships require a lot of work. First, it requires understanding the needs of others. The next step is really up to us. Do we want to accommodate them? or do we want them to accommodate us? Most of the time, it is a matter of give and take. 

Whatever decisions we take, we must always remember: 

"He who digs a pit will fall into it,

    and a serpent will bite him who breaks through a wall.

He who quarries stones is hurt by them,

    and he who splits logs is endangered by them."

(Ecclesiastes 10:8-9)

Common perception is that, the more you give, the more you lose. Yet, as Christians, we believe that the more you give, the more you receive. It is mind-boggling. I know. How can it be? It is against the common beliefs of this world! Yet, test it out and you will see that it's true! It's like how smiling is infectious, and how joy resuscitates us, giving is exactly the same! Perhaps you may not receive what you have given now, today, or tomorrow, but you will definitely receive it one day or another. In fact, don't just give because it is obligatory, or because you wish to receive something in return. Give because you genuinely want to help someone, so that the person on the receiving end will feel happier and less burdened by your assistance, and not feel obligated to return your deeds. 

"Cast your bread upon the waters,

    for you will find it after many days.

Give a portion to seven, or even to eight,

    for you know not what disaster may happen on earth.

If the clouds are full of rain,

    they empty themselves on the earth,

and if a tree falls to the south or to the north,

    in the place where the tree falls, there it will lie."

(Ecclesiastes 11: 1-3)

 In the morning sow your seed, 

and at evening withhold not your hand,

 for you do not know which will prosper, 

this or that, or whether both alike will be good.

(Ecclesiastes 11: 6)

"Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, 

and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. 

Walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes. 

But know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment."

(Ecclesiastes 11:9)

I remember now why I chose to come back. I had played and learned so much for the past three years, that I wanted to live in my home country which allows me to be a practising Christian, not just one who's filled with faith, but without action. 

Really, Jean, start being realistic and embrace your present life. The only time is now. One can play as much, but what are the consequences? Will you be happy with it? What's most important to you at the moment? 

Now that you have understood and discover yourself, it is time for your to start understanding others. Only then you will start building successful and healthy relationships with others. It is never too late to start. Start now. 

Before, I used to resent all the giving. Sometimes, the feeling of being taken advantage of is rather overwhelming. I learnt that this is because I always felt victimized and being pushed into a corner. I didn't realize that I always had a choice. And I had the power to say "NO" too! I had to learn to be assertive, and not conform to the expectations of others all the time. By the end of my short 3-year stint abroad, I learnt the power of saying 'no', being assertive and the value of practising open and direct communication. While it may not be common, I learnt that as long as I am honest, sincere and genuine in my communication, it will be well accepted. 

"But above all, my brothers, do not swear,

 either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, 

but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, 

so that you may not fall under condemnation."

(James 5:12)

It is time to live up to your word, to say what you mean, and mean what you say. Don't do things half-heartedly. Don't say 'yes' just because you want to fill up your time, or because you have nothing better to do, or because you don't know what else to do. Do it because you want to, not because you are afraid that others will take offence if you say 'no'. Don't lie to yourself or others. Be truthful to yourself. Give others a chance too! 

And learn to take everything in stride, joy, pain, happiness, sorrow, laughing, shouting, crying... because each day is as equal as the other. 

"Rejoice, rejoice, 

in the good days and the bad,

but remember , dark days will be many,

all that comes is vanity"

(Ecclesiastes 11:8)

" Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting,

 is to eat and drink and find enjoyment,

 in all the toil with which one toils under the sun,

 the few days of his life that God has given him,

 for this is his lot. "

(Ecclesiastes 5:18)

" Everyone also to whom God has given wealth and possessions and power to enjoy them, 

and to accept his lot and rejoice in his toil—this is the gift of God"

(Ecclesiastes 5:19)

"In the day of prosperity be joyful, 

and in the day of adversity consider: 

God has made the one as well as the other, 

so that man may not find out anything that will be after him."

(Ecclesiastes 7:14)

And so, this is my new motto for this year: 

1. To accept my lot.
2. To distribute my resources.
3. To rejoice in the good days and the bad.
4. To love myself.
5. To love and compliment others. 

I hope I will remember all of them. 

Long Live Liberty!

I seldom write about current affairs, not because I'm not interested in them, but because I don't feel much about it. But since I started staying in France, and having friends from Argentina, Russia, Colombia, Brazil, Mexico... I have since taken a deep interest in foreign and current affairs. Especially when I came across the fresh publications of International New York Times at IFP School every morning.

Nowadays, whenever I read in the newspapers, I actually read it with more feelings and I am easily affected by it too. When I hear how the drop in rubble has caused millions of Russians to convert their cash into assets, it leads me to think about my Russian friends who are desperate to leave their homes momentarily. When I read about the war in Iraq, I think about my Iraqi colleague who was forced to leave his home country about the war. When I read about the drop in oil prices, I think of all my course-mates who are fresh graduates and urgently seeking for jobs.

I am becoming more humanized these days, filled with much more empathy and emotions compared to before. I didn't realize this until I heard and read about the murder or asassination of Charlie Hebdo and his cartoonist colleagues. As I read and found out the reason that they were shot because of what they drew, I cried. I didn't just shed a few tears, but I cried heaps! Like the day I mourned my departure from Paris! I

I cried because I thought with the death of Charlie and his friends, liberty might have been taken away along with them to their death beds too! Frankly, I have never truly understood the definition and the true meaning of freedom and liberty until I came to France. What would happen if even France - the country with one of the largest rooms for liberty, starts to tighten its bands of freedom?

I soon found out that I had no reason to cry, Soon after the manslaughter, many people stood out to defend Charlie in his death. Writing is not a crime. Neither is drawing. Since when did words became more powerful than the physical sword itself? Indeed, more often than not, the former breathes life into us, while the other steals it away from us forcefully. In fact, a number of publications re-published the cartoons that he drew as a form of retaliation, to unite together and stand against those who would attempt to attack every fiber of freedom that France stood for.

In France, the struggle to protect and maintain the people's freedom and liberty is a highly valued responsibility. This is understandable, as many were sacrificed during the French Revolution to attain the status and symbol France stands for today: Liberty, Brotherhood and Equality. While we cannot say that these values are absolute, but they stand on a relatively higher ground than most countries put together.

I was relieved that the French took a strong stand against that.

What does it mean to be free? Does the fact that you're able to roam around wherever you please means you're free? Does the fact that you can do whatever you want within certain boundaries means you're free? Sometimes, it's not.

It's what you're not told that will keep you confined, either in your thoughts, your mind, your values and your philosophy. Truly, truly, "The truth will set you free"!

So, seek out all you want and seek something that your heart desires desperately. Don't let ignorance bind your mind. Don't let naivety tie your hands from the back. Don't restrict your own capabilities just because you've been trained to. You can stop this vicious cycle.

Nothing handicaps a generation more than the chains of the mind.

Open your minds today and unleash your potential!

Loving Myself and Discovering the New Me!

Along my journey to know myself, one of the inevitable questions that frequently crops up is "Who am I?"

What happens if, one day, my title as a reservoir engineer were stripped away, what would I be? What would I do? What if one day I wasn't a reservoir engineer anymore, what would that leave me with then? 

When I was a workaholic, I was often fearful that when my job was stripped away from me, I would be left with nothing. I would be defenseless, helpless and lost. I would have lost all my identity and my sense of self-worth. 

As I travel on a journey towards healing from workaholism, I realize that my job is just a profession. It is something that enables me to feed myself and provide for my family. Nothing more than that. It is not a battle that I must win every round. Neither it is a calling that is worth dying for. Nor a profession that requires countless sacrifices of quality time with loved ones or myself. A job is just a job. Once I'm out of office, it's time to switch off and focus on investing in myself and my loved ones. 

Yet,  one of the most important questions as I crawl out of the dark workaholic pit is "How well do I know myself? What do I really like? What do I really love?"

Before I can fully appreciate life, I must know myself on a deeper level first. 

And so, I embark on yet another journey of self-discovery. 

What have I found so far? 

I have a very strong spirit of determination. Once I set my mind on something, I will make sure I finish it. I am focused and I will persevere, despite all odds. No doubt about it. I will cry (but the tears seem to decrease as I grow older). I may moan (it's decreasing too, as I begin to accept setbacks as part of life). But I will always find a way out. It must be the Chinese fighting spirit. Or a basic human instinct for survival. We are a tough bunch of human beings! Fighting against all odds to prove ourselves or just for the fun of it. Just to prove to ourselves that it can be done. Most of all, to tell ourselves that "Yes! It can be done! Nothing is impossible!"

I am emotional. I try to be less emotional these days. Yet, being less emotional doesn't mean being indifferent or being less thoughtful about the needs of others; or be cruelly insensitive to others. It just means being able to view the actions of others objectively, not judgingly or begrudgingly, but with a wide 360 degrees overview or perspective, and deciding the next best course of action. Being able to put ourselves in other people's shoes, understanding their background, their insecurities, their worries and how to allay their fears. It is not about winning battles. But winning hearts! And how do we win hearts? By understanding basic human needs. We are not machines. We are humans, with feelings. 

I love to be paid compliments. Who doesn't? I love to feel pretty and look pretty. I love to have long, wavy, smooth and silky hair. I love to be petit so that I can fit into all the nice and lovely dresses! Therefore, I will watch what I eat. After all, we are what we eat, ain't that right? I remember when I first went to Paris, I was shocked to find that there was not a single 'fat' person in sight. Everybody was so slim and so fit! Unknowingly, as I followed the French diet, I gradually lost 1 kg a month! When I came back to Malaysia, I realized that food here was so oily and so sweet and so spicy! I found that the spiciness assaulted my senses. The oily food made everything so greasy .. everything I ate coated my lips and cheeks with layers of oil, during and after intake. Every dish contained sugar, Literally everything. And so, I resorted to preparing my own lunch, which resulted in me looking quite 'freakish'. haha! 

After all, if I could afford to eat outside, why prepare my own lunch? I invited a lot of questions. "Are you on a diet?" "Oh! It must be the French influence!"

Little did I know I, too have changed my taste buds, unknowingly. And now, I rather like this new me! Less oil, less salt, less salt, less sugar. I love it! I feel lighter and more active! I can even jump up in the air spontaneously! It feels good! Therefore I will stick with my diet. 

It feels especially good when I can wear a size "S" and see my waist in the mirror. *wink* 

I love challenges. I love to solve problems and come up with solutions. I like the rush of adrenaline and the sense of accomplishment when a hard problem is solved. It just goes one step further to prove that I have passed another mental, emotional or physical barrier. One of the greatest part of this ten-month Sabbatical leave is that I learnt that barriers only exist in our minds. If we put our hearts and minds into something that we really want, and pray really really hard and put all our effort into getting it, we will eventually get what we want. Most of all, I learnt that we should not let fear define our lives. Since then, I tell myself, "For God's sake! Go out and live! Get a life! Don't always get stuck in your fears and worries.  You will never advance forward this way!"

"Go on!" I nudge myself, bit by bit. I urge myself to take that one step forward. And the rest, as they say, is history. The most important part is that courage to step out without knowing what's out there. It may be empty air, it may be solid wood. The thing is, I will never know until I step out that there might be a parachute I never knew existed in my backpack, or an invisible bridge in front of me, or a deep gushing waterfall to cushion my fall. Regardless, I will feel so alive because I jumped and I survived! I'm alive! I like to feel alive! I don't like to merely feel that I am existing or to hear my heart beating , thup, thup, thup, with a steady rhythm. I like to feel excited and to feel all my senses opened up. Suddenly I look at the world with a new sight, I hear the world with a new perspective, and I think from a new dimension and I speak with an angle that I never thought I'd be able to! I like to feel refreshed, renewed and rejuvenated. And I can only feel that if I jump without a net. 

Isn't it dangerous? I used to think so. But a friend recently reminded me, that the only fear I  should have is of God. And if God is with me, He will deliver me. Therefore, I will not fear of everything that is to come. 

I love to express my thoughts. I love to talk. I love to put on a little act every now and then. I can't stand to see people being in the dark or being pushed in a corner like a cornered rabbit. I like to help people out. I believe it is my duty to help others to crawl out of that dark hole. I did it therefore I will extend that hand to help them out when they need it. Really. It's not about climbing that crazy wheel that seems like a ladder which ends up at the same spot regardless of when and where you climbed it. It is about helping people to find joy in what they do so that they can excel at what they do and believe in the higher purpose of their jobs. It's a meaningful job and I love it! Seriously! I can't express how much I like it. Thus, I like to give presentations which gives people an "Oh! Ahah!" enlightening moment. I like to see light bulbs being lighted up one by one. "Ting, ting, ting!" and suddenly, the world seems so much brighter and happier! 

I like to invest in myself too! I have found the benefit of doing activities that actually make me feel alive and happy. It's infectious. Once I'm happy, I interact more positively with the people around me too! I'm more sensitive to their needs as well. Suddenly, I'm not that heartless mercenary or working machine anymore. I'm human. I'm able to empathize and sympathize with others. I am able to feel for others. I am human and it feels good. So, nowadays, I take the time to indulge in the Word of God, to exercise early in the morning. I even took up fencing lessons! Just to increase my agility and decreasing my fear of conquering the unknown. 

I also like to dream! I like it when I have lots of room of creativity, especially when everybody else around me are lost and I like the freedom to create wonder! Like Petrosains! I like to dream about possibilities and ask questions like "Why Not?!" I like to think about endless possibilities and never about impossibilities! Because thoughts of possibilities opens doors and impossibilities blinds one's sight, mind and ears! I won't even entertain any negative sentiments in my world. It may creep in silently, quietly. But once it is there, I will burn it up, vanquish it and banish it, never to be seen again. 

My favourite colour is white. My favourite handbag is white. My suit is white. My dress is white. I like white so much so that when I dress in white, I feel so happy and I feel on top of the world ! Of course, I like colours too! I have red, black, purple and blue dresses , but none of them beats white. There is a certain sense of tranquility and purity that white brings along with its presence. I may fall in love with other colours for a season or two. But I will always fall back to white after I've fallen out of love with other colours. In fact, I'd love it if I had white hair all over my head. I think it makes me look wise beyond my years! That's how much I love white. 

I love to go outdoors too! I love to be with nature because I think it has a lot to teach us, about the ecosystem and world in general. It's great to see how flowers can co-exist in peace with trees, butterflies, birds, deers and elephants! Even lady-birds and caterpillars and leeches can live in the forest happily. Everybody just goes about their own business without knocking into each other. Isn't that great? 

In my world, it is exactly like that. Happy people who look after others when the need arises and doesn't encroach into others' niches. People who respect each other's private spaces. Tranquility. That's what it is. It's not about tolerance or compromise. Because to tolerate means you're just hanging onto your thin string of patience even though you can't stand it. And to compromise means to be able to give in, despite you wanting a little more of it. Instead, we should know ourselves and know how much is enough for each of us. It's about being contented and not taking more than we can have or take. Not about fighting for that extra piece of cake just so we can have more on our plates. Peace. It's about knowing ourselves, how much we truly need and what we truly stand for. 

Perhaps, that's why I am glad and delighted that I took my Sabbatical leave. I found myself and people who echoed my sentiments, who eagerly expanded my philosophy, and enriched my life. I hope I can continue to find this rich wealthy library of resources wherever I go. Yes! I will continue to open up my eyes and seek earnestly. 

Keep your hopes up and keep on wearing your magical colourful glasses, Jean! 

Take it off from time to time, but don't forget to put it on again! 

What is life?

Before I went to Paris, my favourite question was "What is life? What is the meaning of life? What's the purpose of living?"

It wasn't until after several months after living and trying out all things available in and around UK/Europe, it finally clicked. I was having a good time with my friends, laughing freely without any inhibitions whatsover that I finally realized that Life is about Living, Laughing and Loving. 

To live - means to live in the present. Not in my computer, my blog, my phone, my melancholy, my thoughts, my past, my future or my dreams. It means enjoying and fully being in the present, appreciating what we do have at the moment and letting people around us know that we love them, we are thankful for them and we really, truly appreciate them appearing in our lives. 

To laugh - to laugh from the heart. A delightful, hearty laughter. Not faked, obliging, pretentious, bitter, or sarcastic. Not smirk or mock. A downright emotional laughter that will last even when you think about it while lying on your bed, you will be smiling and laughing thinking how blessed you are to be surrounded by people who love you and accept you for who you are, despite your flaws. 

To love - to be able to give and receive graciously. Not giving out of gratitude, or to return a good deed, or because you don't want it anymore, or because you have lots to spare. Giving because you just feel like giving, or you think they'd need it, they'd like it, they'd love it, they'd appreciate it. Giving from the heart. And of course to be able to receive graciously too! That's what I learnt. Not to reject compliments but to receive it cheerfully. Not to reject food which has been planned and prepared the whole day but to accept it with compliments. Not to reject offers for help because it will definitely lighten your chores. There's no secret to love, is there? All it needs is a little compliment said with a smile and a glint in the eye. 

This, is life. Don't complicate it. Don't go second guessing the motive behind each and every action of the people around you. It is not only harmful to you, it is also tiring and exhausting. Besides, it doesn't harm to tear down that wall and extend your trust. After all, without trust, there would be no real relationships. Don't build high walls just because you've been hurt. Trust may come with a price, but trust anyway. With trust, comes goodwill; With goodwill, comes friendships; With friendships, come love. So, trust. Don't be hostile. Don't be evil. Don't be wicked. Trust, and it will all be well. 

Yet, we must trust wisely. Don't be simple minded. Don't be gullible or too naïve. Be shrewd. Be wise. Be gentle. Be focused. You've come a long way to be where you are today. Don't let a few dim moments of setbacks define your future.  

The lights in our lives may blackout every now and then but God sends his angels in to light it up again! 

:)

Therefore, take heart, cheer up. Life is on its way of becoming better and better!

Lost! Seeking A Place of Belonging...

Since coming back to Malaysia, I have a strong urge to revert to an old mentality. It's the constant striving to be like others. 

"I want to be like my brother, who constantly treats my mum like gold."

or

"I want to build up my skills like Mr. R, who knows theory like the back of his hand and is practical and artistic, like Antoni Gaudi, the architect of Sagrada Familia and many other structures!"

"I want to be like E, who is calm and smiling all the time, who doesn't seem to be affected by any events."

"I want to be good in financial management, in economics, so that I can manage my own money wisely."

Then I remember my dear friend, Naomi, telling me, "Jean! We are women. We can't expect ourselves to be like men! We have emotions, that's a fact. and we must use it to our advantage. Don't try to ignore it or dismiss it. It's what makes us human. It's what fills us with the maternal instinct. Don't be something that you are not. Let your skills develop naturally. They will come with time. Just take it one step at a time. Don't be in a hurry. Time is your friend. Time is always here for you."

Ahh... It is just so comforting to know that "It is all right to be myself. " 

Despite me knowing who I was for the last ten months, I find my knowledge of myself slowly eroding and corroding. It is as fast as my hair loss rate, 30 strands of hair per day. 15 in the morning and 15 in the evening. It is too fast. I can't afford to lose myself anymore. 

I need to stand up for myself and stand up to others. I need to protect the little room that I have, my little sanctuary. It is the only thing I have to myself right now. 

I miss laughing. I miss singing. I miss composing my own songs. I miss being who I am. I miss doing what I love and what I want.I miss going outdoors studying geology. I miss my quiet time. I miss my friends.I miss going for walks. I miss the fresh air. I miss fresh fish. I miss the open air concert, the free weekly chamber orchestra, jazz music performance. I miss the market. Oooh! I miss macaroons and the splendid chocolât chaud! 

Oh God... please help me to find my own tune here soon! Otherwise, please send me back or somewhere else. I just desperately need to be myself. 

I may hide and put on the hide of a lamb. I may change my wardrobe colour to brown or black even though I love white all over, from head to toe. I may change the tone that I speak just so that it is considered appropriate but you know it's not from my heart. I may change my words so that others' eyes do not pop out when they hear my revelations. But deep down, you know, it is not me. I am just being what others want me to be. I am not myself. This is not me. This is just what others want to see of me and I am so fed up of playing this role of the ever-obliging person, ever-complying person. I need to feel myself and be myself. I want to feel my brains moving, my limbs active and every part of my soul vibrating with passion and action. 

I need to revive my dreams and desires. They may all have been fulfilled. It is time to find new ones. Don't let others influence you. Don't let others tell you what to think, what to feel. You are the only person in your shoes who knows what it's like. If you don't fit in here, migrate. move. It is never too late. Others have succeeded, you can too! 

Jean, never fear. do not fear. You are well equipped. You just need a head start and you've got it. Just keep the momentum going. Keep on running. Never stop until you have found a place where you truly can be yourself and settle down. 

Right now, know for sure, that it is definitely not here. 

(I find that people here are too quick to judge and easily offended. Rarely is anything taken objectively. Everything is viewed with an either/or, yes/no, right/wrong perspective. Nothing is ever in-between. Neither-nor does not exist. Lukewarm is unacceptable. You have to be either hot or cold. Tolerance is compliance. Speaking out is Rebellion. Compliance is giving in. Giving in is losing out. Fight but not outwardly. Fight an invisible battle. Defend an invisible struggle. Speak behind closed doors. 

What happened to "Say what you mean, and mean what you say?"

All values are eroding, all principles are breaking down. I find it harder and harder to be myself. It's much more fun living in a foreign country and everybody just accepts you for who you are, even though you may be a tad too weird in their eyes. But it's ok. Everybody is strange anyway. Nobody expects you to be normal. 

That, is what I love about staying overseas. I am able to be myself without being judged from every person I interact with.) 

One Day in Paris - September 2013

So, here I am, in Paris! One of the most expensive cities in the world, after New York and London! It's the most romantic city in the world too! I'm so excited the moment the plane flies across the Paris and I start seeing beautiful rows of street lamps and buildings, dotting the skylines of Paris, like sparkling little golden studs adorning an abbaya... wow!

But wait a minute! Somehow, it is still not as I imagined it to be. The Paris that I imagined had more chalk and marble buildings, compared to bricks and steel. Hmmm... I am a little disappointed. 

When I reach the school, I'm surprised by it's scale. It's so small! Is it really famous? 

And, there's nothing in this town! It's so tiny! What's here??? 

Oh no! I can't imagine why on earth I chose to come to this place! It's small, It's in the suburbs, it's quiet.. It's a far cry from Dubai! 

Then I remember my boss telling me, " Don't look back, Jean. Whatever decision you make, stick with it. Stay on and see how it goes. Never , ever look back." 

Ok. I'll stick around to see what happens..