Along my journey to know myself, one of the inevitable questions that frequently crops up is "Who am I?"
What happens if, one day, my title as a reservoir engineer were stripped away, what would I be? What would I do? What if one day I wasn't a reservoir engineer anymore, what would that leave me with then?
When I was a workaholic, I was often fearful that when my job was stripped away from me, I would be left with nothing. I would be defenseless, helpless and lost. I would have lost all my identity and my sense of self-worth.
As I travel on a journey towards healing from workaholism, I realize that my job is just a profession. It is something that enables me to feed myself and provide for my family. Nothing more than that. It is not a battle that I must win every round. Neither it is a calling that is worth dying for. Nor a profession that requires countless sacrifices of quality time with loved ones or myself. A job is just a job. Once I'm out of office, it's time to switch off and focus on investing in myself and my loved ones.
Yet, one of the most important questions as I crawl out of the dark workaholic pit is "How well do I know myself? What do I really like? What do I really love?"
Before I can fully appreciate life, I must know myself on a deeper level first.
And so, I embark on yet another journey of self-discovery.
What have I found so far?
I have a very strong spirit of determination. Once I set my mind on something, I will make sure I finish it. I am focused and I will persevere, despite all odds. No doubt about it. I will cry (but the tears seem to decrease as I grow older). I may moan (it's decreasing too, as I begin to accept setbacks as part of life). But I will always find a way out. It must be the Chinese fighting spirit. Or a basic human instinct for survival. We are a tough bunch of human beings! Fighting against all odds to prove ourselves or just for the fun of it. Just to prove to ourselves that it can be done. Most of all, to tell ourselves that "Yes! It can be done! Nothing is impossible!"
I am emotional. I try to be less emotional these days. Yet, being less emotional doesn't mean being indifferent or being less thoughtful about the needs of others; or be cruelly insensitive to others. It just means being able to view the actions of others objectively, not judgingly or begrudgingly, but with a wide 360 degrees overview or perspective, and deciding the next best course of action. Being able to put ourselves in other people's shoes, understanding their background, their insecurities, their worries and how to allay their fears. It is not about winning battles. But winning hearts! And how do we win hearts? By understanding basic human needs. We are not machines. We are humans, with feelings.
I love to be paid compliments. Who doesn't? I love to feel pretty and look pretty. I love to have long, wavy, smooth and silky hair. I love to be petit so that I can fit into all the nice and lovely dresses! Therefore, I will watch what I eat. After all, we are what we eat, ain't that right? I remember when I first went to Paris, I was shocked to find that there was not a single 'fat' person in sight. Everybody was so slim and so fit! Unknowingly, as I followed the French diet, I gradually lost 1 kg a month! When I came back to Malaysia, I realized that food here was so oily and so sweet and so spicy! I found that the spiciness assaulted my senses. The oily food made everything so greasy .. everything I ate coated my lips and cheeks with layers of oil, during and after intake. Every dish contained sugar, Literally everything. And so, I resorted to preparing my own lunch, which resulted in me looking quite 'freakish'. haha!
After all, if I could afford to eat outside, why prepare my own lunch? I invited a lot of questions. "Are you on a diet?" "Oh! It must be the French influence!"
Little did I know I, too have changed my taste buds, unknowingly. And now, I rather like this new me! Less oil, less salt, less salt, less sugar. I love it! I feel lighter and more active! I can even jump up in the air spontaneously! It feels good! Therefore I will stick with my diet.
It feels especially good when I can wear a size "S" and see my waist in the mirror. *wink*
I love challenges. I love to solve problems and come up with solutions. I like the rush of adrenaline and the sense of accomplishment when a hard problem is solved. It just goes one step further to prove that I have passed another mental, emotional or physical barrier. One of the greatest part of this ten-month Sabbatical leave is that I learnt that barriers only exist in our minds. If we put our hearts and minds into something that we really want, and pray really really hard and put all our effort into getting it, we will eventually get what we want. Most of all, I learnt that we should not let fear define our lives. Since then, I tell myself, "For God's sake! Go out and live! Get a life! Don't always get stuck in your fears and worries. You will never advance forward this way!"
"Go on!" I nudge myself, bit by bit. I urge myself to take that one step forward. And the rest, as they say, is history. The most important part is that courage to step out without knowing what's out there. It may be empty air, it may be solid wood. The thing is, I will never know until I step out that there might be a parachute I never knew existed in my backpack, or an invisible bridge in front of me, or a deep gushing waterfall to cushion my fall. Regardless, I will feel so alive because I jumped and I survived! I'm alive! I like to feel alive! I don't like to merely feel that I am existing or to hear my heart beating , thup, thup, thup, with a steady rhythm. I like to feel excited and to feel all my senses opened up. Suddenly I look at the world with a new sight, I hear the world with a new perspective, and I think from a new dimension and I speak with an angle that I never thought I'd be able to! I like to feel refreshed, renewed and rejuvenated. And I can only feel that if I jump without a net.
Isn't it dangerous? I used to think so. But a friend recently reminded me, that the only fear I should have is of God. And if God is with me, He will deliver me. Therefore, I will not fear of everything that is to come.
I love to express my thoughts. I love to talk. I love to put on a little act every now and then. I can't stand to see people being in the dark or being pushed in a corner like a cornered rabbit. I like to help people out. I believe it is my duty to help others to crawl out of that dark hole. I did it therefore I will extend that hand to help them out when they need it. Really. It's not about climbing that crazy wheel that seems like a ladder which ends up at the same spot regardless of when and where you climbed it. It is about helping people to find joy in what they do so that they can excel at what they do and believe in the higher purpose of their jobs. It's a meaningful job and I love it! Seriously! I can't express how much I like it. Thus, I like to give presentations which gives people an "Oh! Ahah!" enlightening moment. I like to see light bulbs being lighted up one by one. "Ting, ting, ting!" and suddenly, the world seems so much brighter and happier!
I like to invest in myself too! I have found the benefit of doing activities that actually make me feel alive and happy. It's infectious. Once I'm happy, I interact more positively with the people around me too! I'm more sensitive to their needs as well. Suddenly, I'm not that heartless mercenary or working machine anymore. I'm human. I'm able to empathize and sympathize with others. I am able to feel for others. I am human and it feels good. So, nowadays, I take the time to indulge in the Word of God, to exercise early in the morning. I even took up fencing lessons! Just to increase my agility and decreasing my fear of conquering the unknown.
I also like to dream! I like it when I have lots of room of creativity, especially when everybody else around me are lost and I like the freedom to create wonder! Like Petrosains! I like to dream about possibilities and ask questions like "Why Not?!" I like to think about endless possibilities and never about impossibilities! Because thoughts of possibilities opens doors and impossibilities blinds one's sight, mind and ears! I won't even entertain any negative sentiments in my world. It may creep in silently, quietly. But once it is there, I will burn it up, vanquish it and banish it, never to be seen again.
My favourite colour is white. My favourite handbag is white. My suit is white. My dress is white. I like white so much so that when I dress in white, I feel so happy and I feel on top of the world ! Of course, I like colours too! I have red, black, purple and blue dresses , but none of them beats white. There is a certain sense of tranquility and purity that white brings along with its presence. I may fall in love with other colours for a season or two. But I will always fall back to white after I've fallen out of love with other colours. In fact, I'd love it if I had white hair all over my head. I think it makes me look wise beyond my years! That's how much I love white.
I love to go outdoors too! I love to be with nature because I think it has a lot to teach us, about the ecosystem and world in general. It's great to see how flowers can co-exist in peace with trees, butterflies, birds, deers and elephants! Even lady-birds and caterpillars and leeches can live in the forest happily. Everybody just goes about their own business without knocking into each other. Isn't that great?
In my world, it is exactly like that. Happy people who look after others when the need arises and doesn't encroach into others' niches. People who respect each other's private spaces. Tranquility. That's what it is. It's not about tolerance or compromise. Because to tolerate means you're just hanging onto your thin string of patience even though you can't stand it. And to compromise means to be able to give in, despite you wanting a little more of it. Instead, we should know ourselves and know how much is enough for each of us. It's about being contented and not taking more than we can have or take. Not about fighting for that extra piece of cake just so we can have more on our plates. Peace. It's about knowing ourselves, how much we truly need and what we truly stand for.
Perhaps, that's why I am glad and delighted that I took my Sabbatical leave. I found myself and people who echoed my sentiments, who eagerly expanded my philosophy, and enriched my life. I hope I can continue to find this rich wealthy library of resources wherever I go. Yes! I will continue to open up my eyes and seek earnestly.
Keep your hopes up and keep on wearing your magical colourful glasses, Jean!
Take it off from time to time, but don't forget to put it on again!
No comments:
Post a Comment