Lost! Seeking A Place of Belonging...

Since coming back to Malaysia, I have a strong urge to revert to an old mentality. It's the constant striving to be like others. 

"I want to be like my brother, who constantly treats my mum like gold."

or

"I want to build up my skills like Mr. R, who knows theory like the back of his hand and is practical and artistic, like Antoni Gaudi, the architect of Sagrada Familia and many other structures!"

"I want to be like E, who is calm and smiling all the time, who doesn't seem to be affected by any events."

"I want to be good in financial management, in economics, so that I can manage my own money wisely."

Then I remember my dear friend, Naomi, telling me, "Jean! We are women. We can't expect ourselves to be like men! We have emotions, that's a fact. and we must use it to our advantage. Don't try to ignore it or dismiss it. It's what makes us human. It's what fills us with the maternal instinct. Don't be something that you are not. Let your skills develop naturally. They will come with time. Just take it one step at a time. Don't be in a hurry. Time is your friend. Time is always here for you."

Ahh... It is just so comforting to know that "It is all right to be myself. " 

Despite me knowing who I was for the last ten months, I find my knowledge of myself slowly eroding and corroding. It is as fast as my hair loss rate, 30 strands of hair per day. 15 in the morning and 15 in the evening. It is too fast. I can't afford to lose myself anymore. 

I need to stand up for myself and stand up to others. I need to protect the little room that I have, my little sanctuary. It is the only thing I have to myself right now. 

I miss laughing. I miss singing. I miss composing my own songs. I miss being who I am. I miss doing what I love and what I want.I miss going outdoors studying geology. I miss my quiet time. I miss my friends.I miss going for walks. I miss the fresh air. I miss fresh fish. I miss the open air concert, the free weekly chamber orchestra, jazz music performance. I miss the market. Oooh! I miss macaroons and the splendid chocolât chaud! 

Oh God... please help me to find my own tune here soon! Otherwise, please send me back or somewhere else. I just desperately need to be myself. 

I may hide and put on the hide of a lamb. I may change my wardrobe colour to brown or black even though I love white all over, from head to toe. I may change the tone that I speak just so that it is considered appropriate but you know it's not from my heart. I may change my words so that others' eyes do not pop out when they hear my revelations. But deep down, you know, it is not me. I am just being what others want me to be. I am not myself. This is not me. This is just what others want to see of me and I am so fed up of playing this role of the ever-obliging person, ever-complying person. I need to feel myself and be myself. I want to feel my brains moving, my limbs active and every part of my soul vibrating with passion and action. 

I need to revive my dreams and desires. They may all have been fulfilled. It is time to find new ones. Don't let others influence you. Don't let others tell you what to think, what to feel. You are the only person in your shoes who knows what it's like. If you don't fit in here, migrate. move. It is never too late. Others have succeeded, you can too! 

Jean, never fear. do not fear. You are well equipped. You just need a head start and you've got it. Just keep the momentum going. Keep on running. Never stop until you have found a place where you truly can be yourself and settle down. 

Right now, know for sure, that it is definitely not here. 

(I find that people here are too quick to judge and easily offended. Rarely is anything taken objectively. Everything is viewed with an either/or, yes/no, right/wrong perspective. Nothing is ever in-between. Neither-nor does not exist. Lukewarm is unacceptable. You have to be either hot or cold. Tolerance is compliance. Speaking out is Rebellion. Compliance is giving in. Giving in is losing out. Fight but not outwardly. Fight an invisible battle. Defend an invisible struggle. Speak behind closed doors. 

What happened to "Say what you mean, and mean what you say?"

All values are eroding, all principles are breaking down. I find it harder and harder to be myself. It's much more fun living in a foreign country and everybody just accepts you for who you are, even though you may be a tad too weird in their eyes. But it's ok. Everybody is strange anyway. Nobody expects you to be normal. 

That, is what I love about staying overseas. I am able to be myself without being judged from every person I interact with.)