After so many sweet, happy moments, I have utterly forgotten how much bitterness can a person harbour in his heart. Why did the person become so bitter? And how ?
Suddenly, I realize that bitterness doesn't choose its victim. It just goes on to bite everybody in sight. The one who is strong enough to resist and fight it, is the one who is strong enough to say, "No! You can't attack me! I am going to take my shield, my armour and my sword to resist you and fight you back! I am going to push you all the way back to where you came from. And I will be the victor!"
My shield is my faith. My armour are my loved ones. My sword are the words of God which have been planted in my heart and the belief that has been engrained in me. I know who I am and what I want. I won't be affected by what you say or what anybody else says. It's me. It's just who I am.
Bitterness - out you go! Pffft! (and it lands with a loud thud somewhere deep in a God forsaken area).
So, during the recent performance appraisal, when mon patron (my boss) gave me feedback on leadership and behaviour, he had nothing positive to say about me, that he even included his negative feedback into the positive column (even though the negative column had ample space)!
Needless to say, I burst out in tears once more! I had to admit, there was some truth in it. Half truth, half lies. Still, it is never easy to accept criticisms. Maybe he was trying to change me into a person whom he thinks I should be; or perhaps he was moulding me, or brain-washing me. Only God knows... what his objectives were. But when people try to change you too much, you'd only end up retaliating. Or when our principles are not alligned, we end up fighting, quarelling. Hence, that's where we ended up, my boss and I. We started off with an estranged, cordial relationship, and ended it on a fake, sour note.
I have many questions when it comes to injustice or discrimination. All of us experience it at one point or another. Each of us have our own ways of dealing with it. For me, I ran. Not because I was scared, weak, or timid, but because I've had enough of it. I realized that there are better and more meaningful things to do in my life rather than wasting my precious time battling demons which won me nothing but stacks of papers with numbers printed on it. I am a young, living, breathing, human and I will pursue my dreams!
My! How far I've journeyed! I learnt that how one views life or a location in general, is how one treats others. I just have to accept that there are just some people whom I just can't seem to communicate with, no matter how hard I try. Stop trying. They can't change us, we can't change them. Oil and water mixes only at the interface anyway. We don't need to be utterly miscible before we can communicate. Some people don't see eye to eye on everything, and yet, they are married to each other for fifty years!
So, Jean, just be who you are. Remember: Resist the attack by the acidic bitterness by being an extremely basic optimist. Life may not be rosy all the way, but there are still some roses along the way. Don't trample on them just because you're tempted to do so. When the roses are extinct, so does hope. Keep them alive, all of them; if not on other people's roads, at least at the aisles and pathways along your home , hearth and heart; water them, nourish them and lavish your love upon them. They will cheer you up in times of sadness; brighten your day when it turns dark and cloudy; cushion your fall when you fall with a loud thud; and offer you hope in the midst of rejection, dejection and all disappointments.
Stop for a minute. Inhale slowly... deeply... Exhale ... (at the same speed)... Can you smell the roses too?
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