One Year After Paris

It's been a year after I came back from Paris. I miss it. I miss my school, my friends, my professors. Most of all, I miss my life and being myself.

How long can one stay in a state of mourning? Am I now mourning the loss of my previous new found life?

Then again, it was once said, "Every ending is a new beginning".

A new chapter of my life has begun and I must celebrate it. The fact that I am able to mentor and inspire women, young and old alike, is something that I have wanted to do for a long time. Especially after I got a taste of what it was like to be mentored by somebody wiser and more matured, and who was rooted in the Word of God. Everybody needs a word of encouragement every now and then. We need to hear an uplifting word.

Today, I will declare this day as the end of my mourning, and the celebration of my new beginning. And I have every intention to resolve and do the following:

• I will be brave and face all trials and tribulations head on from now on. 
• I will face life. 
• I will live life. 
• I will live up to my calling. 
• I will be myself. 
• I will voice my opinions. 
• I will express myself and articulate my feelings. 
• I will write more, read more and talk less. 
• I will keep my opinions to myself. 
• I will control my tongue, my thoughts and my actions.
• I will take it one step at a time. 
• I will move on.
• I will be clear of my goals. 
• I will use God's word as my yard stick, my ruler and my scale. 
• I will lead a new life. 
• I will be courageous. 
• I will be brave.
• I will have faith in my work. 
• I will work with a purpose. 
• I will trust God and believe in Him. 
• I will believe in love, no matter how fragile and how faint it may seem. 
• I will love myself. 
• I will love others. 
• I will take a stand.
• I will keep in touch with all my friends.
• I will praise somebody everyday and find something good to say about everybody.
• I will appreciate my family members, my colleagues and my bosses and all my friends around me.
• I will contribute in every single way possible, in every area and every domain. This includes my home, my family, my social circle, not just at work. 
• I will believe that every person I meet is a guardian angel in disguise.
• I will ask more, seek more and act more. 
• I will only talk if my opinions will encourage or build others up or invoke thought or progression. 
• I will speak more with people who are in their 60s and above. They have so much stories to share. They have such enriching life experiences! 

And these are the things I have resolved not to do:

• I will not let others rule my life or influence my decisions. 
• I will not indulge in self pity. 
• I will not be emotionally threatened. 
• I will not indulge in gossip. 
• I will not air my dirty laundry in public. 
• I will not complain.
• I will not take anybody for granted.
• I will not cry, even if I feel like it. 
• I will not budge a single centimetre, if somebody threatens me in something I believe with conviction. 
• I will not let others affect my emotions. 
• I will not sit on the fence. 
• I will not run away from life. 

I hope that I will be able to keep all these resolutions and make a significant and positive change in my life and others. May I be able to shine some light when the world seems so dim and dark. May I be an advocate to others who are in need of help and a voice. May I help them to be lifted out of their misery. May I inspire them to be self sufficient and create a bright and glorious and victorious future for themselves and their families. 

Yes. I will endure and I will persevere. I will not give up. I will stick to my goals and never lose sight of it. Focus, Jean, focus! 

All that suffering , all that precious lessons, and memories are not for naught! 

Life as an Expat

Whenever I tell people I have been away from home for 3 years, living away in two foreign lands, people often ask me, "How's it like, being an expat? It must be fun, huh? Earning big bucks."

It is true that the first thing that strikes our mind about expatriation is the earning power. Yet, it is not just the sudden increase in pay. It's the sudden freedom from responsibilities as well. We get to travel as much as we want, and pay for things that we'd never imagine we could afford. 

Then again, as expats, we will miss wedding ceremonies, funerals, and birthday celebrations. We won't be able to be physically present for our loved ones. We will become sojourners in a foreign land, no matter how much we try to blend and fit in, or believe we have successfully assimilated into the local community. We will face discrimination, one way or another.

I know, I know. Discrimination exists everywhere, not just in foreign lands. Yet, as an expat, the pain in every suffering and every joy you experience is amplified. We tend to be more appreciative of the simple joys in life, and become more philosophical and open minded about our sufferings. 

Suddenly, when we return to our own homes, we are no longer the same person who left home a long, long time ago. Our family members and friends might recognize us from our physical facial features, but deep down, we have evolved into totally different beings. We have endured so much that we have become stronger. No longer do we cry over spilled milk, about being displaced or mistreated. Instead we figure out ways to go about it. We figure out how to solve our own problems and not depend on others. We are not that naive anymore. We trust with a reasonable measure of doubt. We learn to be shrewd. We grow up. We become wiser. We become more resilient and resistant. We are independent. Our vision and our goals are sharpened and more focused. We know exactly what we want and how to achieve it. We love life even more. We understand the meaning of 'quality of life', and wish everybody around us could taste it, even if for a short moment. 

Is it worth it? The sacrifice? The tears? The pain ? The yearnings, longings and losses? 

On hindsight, yes, it is. Every ounce of it. 

It just helps us to become better human beings who are able to empathize with the plight of others who are desperately seeking for betterment in their respective lives. Let us therefore be kinder and more gracious and courteous towards everyone we meet. It will mean a lot to all of us and goes a long, long way towards melting our freezing hearts with love. 

Birthday Celebrations, Finally!

It's so great to have my brothers and my mum finally celebrating my birthday with me!

It's great to be back home!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Wedding Ceremonies

It's been a decade since I attended wedding ceremonies! Oh wow! Finally! Finally! I am attending the wedding ceremony of my coursemate! It's a joyous occasion indeed! 

While love is something intangible, its impact and effect cannot be missed. 

I think it is scary to marry someone you've only met for a few months/years and decide to love him for the next thirty or forty or even fifty years! Why?! We live with our parents and siblings for twenty or thirty years, and sometimes, we wonder if we even love them because of our blood relations, or because we want to. And not to mention the potential loss. The more we invest, the more we will miss it when we lose it. 

So, why would people want to get married? People at different stages of life, offer a variety of responses. 

A widower explains, "People marry because there is a physical attraction. And you can't deny it. You will know it. It's in your bones. To me, love is going to the hospital every day to visit your wife when she's sick, and never missing a single day, rain or shine. It also means flying all the way back for her when she really needs you by her side."

The sceptic in me, wonders if this is even remotely possible, for such a scenario to happen in my life. 

A widow just has this to say, "It is something that you will need in your life, no matter which stage you are. My husband died 10 years ago. Until today, I still miss him. It's hard to describe to you. Let's just say, I miss his love."

This seems promising. 

A couple in their forties ventures, "We all need our own partners. We don't want to end up being lonely."

I think it is just not right to marry to avoid a fear of being lonely. Every act of ours should be born out of love and an attractive or pull factor, not a fear or a repulsive / push factor. The chances of a successful relationship or marriage will be higher in the former compared to the latter. Wouldn't you think so?

Perhaps, sensing my thoughts and discomfort, a more optimistic lady in her thirties reassures me, "Jean, Jean, marriage is the best thing that can happen in your life! It's not bleak or the end of the world. Despite all initial apprehensions, it is really comforting to have somebody whom you can fully trust and open up your whole world to!"

Oh well, being the ever naïve and optimistic me,  I will cling onto my hopes of faith and belief in the power of love. 

As the marriage ceremony proceeds, the pastor offers his own personal tips of maintaining a successful marriage: 

• Be alert and observant at all times.
• Marriage brings out the best in each other .
• Give lots and lots of forgiveness.
• Give your time, lots of gifts, affirmation, touch ...
• Don't keep score. Love is an action .
• Rejoice and grow in your marriage .
• Love never fails. Love comes from God . 
• Live in love and live in God.
• Guard yourself in the spirit and do not break faith.

As I fly halfway across the world, crossing earlier time zones and into the breaking dawn, I can't help but feel in my veins and bones that I am going to embark on a new journey in my life. I will need to follow this advice very, very soon! 

Jean! Ganbarinasai! Anata wa dekiru! zettai akiramenai ne! 

Bonne chance! 

Funerals

It has been a long time since I attended a funeral. The last one I remembered which I attended was that of my aunt, who passed away in an accident about 20 years ago. I still miss her. She was an aunt who baked cookies every weekend. She baked delicious fruit cakes too! 

Then two months ago, the mother of my friend passed on. Two days later, another aunt of mine passed away. She was the wife of my uncle, the eldest son of my grandfather. It came as quite a shock. Just two weeks prior to her passing, we had dinner together and she was giving me advice on marriage and dating. I was in shock. 

And so, I attended her funeral. Partly because I hadn't attended a funeral in two decades. At the funeral parlour, there were monks praying and chanting. My cousins folded papers into shapes which resembled money in the olden days. We watched paper cars and houses burning. Then, on the last day, they had a coffin closing ceremony. We circled the coffin three times, as a way of bidding last farewell to the deceased. 

At first, I was emotionless. Watching the funeral rites like a passer-by. But as we circled the coffin, and watch the men sealing it with cello-tapes, and watching the coffin lid being compressed together, tighter and tighter with each layer of tape, I couldn't help thinking that I won't be able to see this aunt anymore. This was really the last time, ever! For real! 

Tonnes of questions flooded my mind at this point. Has she lived her life as she would have liked, as she imagined? Was she satisfied with her life? Could she say that she had lived her life to the fullest? 

As she was the mother of two daughters, I wondered how would I feel if the same happened to me. I would never, ever see my mum again. I felt sad. So, so, sad. And I cried, for the loss of my friend's mother, his one and only friend and closest-kin who ever knew him from head to toe, in and out; I cried for my cousin's loss, and her relief from her duties of caring for her sick mum; I cried for my future loss; I cried at the idea of never seeing my mum again. 

And you bet, I cried like there was no tomorrow. All relatives who attended thought that I must have been very close to this aunt. 

Or that it was the very first funeral which I attended. My uncle consoled me. "Jean, the first cut is always the deepest. But as you go through life, the more cuts you experience, the pain that you suffer will be less. It's just like the sting of an ant. The first time it bit you, you cried too! The second time, you probably winced. The third time, you just brushed the ant off. The fourth time, you just let it bite you 'til it got fulfilled. Life is such. This, is life." 

My mum, who knows me only too well, only had this too say, "Jean! Were you crying for yourself? For me? or for the aunt or for your cousins and uncle? or for your friend?"

It is hard to articulate my emotions. I have learnt to suppress it since I became a sojourner. I suddenly realize that I am not good at expressing myself. While I am in tune with my emotions, I do not feel a need to give every emotion of mine a name or a definition. I just cry when I want to, without ever really knowing why. 

Does it matter, why I cried? 

Funerals are a sad affair. It serves as a stark reminder that nothing in life is permanent. We are only here temporarily. It doesn't matter how we die. The fact is, we will all die. 

The question is: Have we made our life count? 

I wish I could answer that with confidence. At the end of my life, I want to be able to say that I have lived a life without any regrets. I have taken care of my family and friends and all the people around me. I have loved them with every ounce of love that I have, according to my ability, talents and resources. I believe I have inspired them in every way to pass it forward and to believe that God is alive in our hearts, in our souls and in our minds. That He is the reason that we live, and He is the source of our blessings. And our spirits will definitely live on, even if our physical bodies have decayed. 

Life is short. Cherish it. Every single moment and minute of it. Do not let it go to waste. 

Perhaps, at my tombstone, the inscription on my epitaph would be as such: 

 "Over-thinking kills. 

Stop analyzing. 

Step out.

Start living. 

Appreciate all the bitter-sweet moments in your life. 

Right here, Right now, 

This, is life. 

Make it count."

Perhaps, I shouldn't view death so pessimistically. After all, if every beginning is an end, and every end is a new beginning, Martin Luther King Jr. 's epitaph sums it all up quite aptly:

"Free at Last, Free at Last

Thank God Almighty

I'm Free at Last."

(https://web.cn.edu/kwheeler/epitaphs.html)

With this, I bid adieu to my online blogging life and resolve to start living life anew.

I will live in the moment from now on. 5% in the past, 85% in the present, and 10% in the future.

May God be with me in all my present and future actions. 

May He continue to be my inspiration and my intercessor.

 May He be with me in all that I do, 

And all that I ever hope and aspire to achieve.  

In Jesus' most precious name I pray, 

Amen.