One Year After Paris

It's been a year after I came back from Paris. I miss it. I miss my school, my friends, my professors. Most of all, I miss my life and being myself.

How long can one stay in a state of mourning? Am I now mourning the loss of my previous new found life?

Then again, it was once said, "Every ending is a new beginning".

A new chapter of my life has begun and I must celebrate it. The fact that I am able to mentor and inspire women, young and old alike, is something that I have wanted to do for a long time. Especially after I got a taste of what it was like to be mentored by somebody wiser and more matured, and who was rooted in the Word of God. Everybody needs a word of encouragement every now and then. We need to hear an uplifting word.

Today, I will declare this day as the end of my mourning, and the celebration of my new beginning. And I have every intention to resolve and do the following:

• I will be brave and face all trials and tribulations head on from now on. 
• I will face life. 
• I will live life. 
• I will live up to my calling. 
• I will be myself. 
• I will voice my opinions. 
• I will express myself and articulate my feelings. 
• I will write more, read more and talk less. 
• I will keep my opinions to myself. 
• I will control my tongue, my thoughts and my actions.
• I will take it one step at a time. 
• I will move on.
• I will be clear of my goals. 
• I will use God's word as my yard stick, my ruler and my scale. 
• I will lead a new life. 
• I will be courageous. 
• I will be brave.
• I will have faith in my work. 
• I will work with a purpose. 
• I will trust God and believe in Him. 
• I will believe in love, no matter how fragile and how faint it may seem. 
• I will love myself. 
• I will love others. 
• I will take a stand.
• I will keep in touch with all my friends.
• I will praise somebody everyday and find something good to say about everybody.
• I will appreciate my family members, my colleagues and my bosses and all my friends around me.
• I will contribute in every single way possible, in every area and every domain. This includes my home, my family, my social circle, not just at work. 
• I will believe that every person I meet is a guardian angel in disguise.
• I will ask more, seek more and act more. 
• I will only talk if my opinions will encourage or build others up or invoke thought or progression. 
• I will speak more with people who are in their 60s and above. They have so much stories to share. They have such enriching life experiences! 

And these are the things I have resolved not to do:

• I will not let others rule my life or influence my decisions. 
• I will not indulge in self pity. 
• I will not be emotionally threatened. 
• I will not indulge in gossip. 
• I will not air my dirty laundry in public. 
• I will not complain.
• I will not take anybody for granted.
• I will not cry, even if I feel like it. 
• I will not budge a single centimetre, if somebody threatens me in something I believe with conviction. 
• I will not let others affect my emotions. 
• I will not sit on the fence. 
• I will not run away from life. 

I hope that I will be able to keep all these resolutions and make a significant and positive change in my life and others. May I be able to shine some light when the world seems so dim and dark. May I be an advocate to others who are in need of help and a voice. May I help them to be lifted out of their misery. May I inspire them to be self sufficient and create a bright and glorious and victorious future for themselves and their families. 

Yes. I will endure and I will persevere. I will not give up. I will stick to my goals and never lose sight of it. Focus, Jean, focus! 

All that suffering , all that precious lessons, and memories are not for naught! 

Life as an Expat

Whenever I tell people I have been away from home for 3 years, living away in two foreign lands, people often ask me, "How's it like, being an expat? It must be fun, huh? Earning big bucks."

It is true that the first thing that strikes our mind about expatriation is the earning power. Yet, it is not just the sudden increase in pay. It's the sudden freedom from responsibilities as well. We get to travel as much as we want, and pay for things that we'd never imagine we could afford. 

Then again, as expats, we will miss wedding ceremonies, funerals, and birthday celebrations. We won't be able to be physically present for our loved ones. We will become sojourners in a foreign land, no matter how much we try to blend and fit in, or believe we have successfully assimilated into the local community. We will face discrimination, one way or another.

I know, I know. Discrimination exists everywhere, not just in foreign lands. Yet, as an expat, the pain in every suffering and every joy you experience is amplified. We tend to be more appreciative of the simple joys in life, and become more philosophical and open minded about our sufferings. 

Suddenly, when we return to our own homes, we are no longer the same person who left home a long, long time ago. Our family members and friends might recognize us from our physical facial features, but deep down, we have evolved into totally different beings. We have endured so much that we have become stronger. No longer do we cry over spilled milk, about being displaced or mistreated. Instead we figure out ways to go about it. We figure out how to solve our own problems and not depend on others. We are not that naive anymore. We trust with a reasonable measure of doubt. We learn to be shrewd. We grow up. We become wiser. We become more resilient and resistant. We are independent. Our vision and our goals are sharpened and more focused. We know exactly what we want and how to achieve it. We love life even more. We understand the meaning of 'quality of life', and wish everybody around us could taste it, even if for a short moment. 

Is it worth it? The sacrifice? The tears? The pain ? The yearnings, longings and losses? 

On hindsight, yes, it is. Every ounce of it. 

It just helps us to become better human beings who are able to empathize with the plight of others who are desperately seeking for betterment in their respective lives. Let us therefore be kinder and more gracious and courteous towards everyone we meet. It will mean a lot to all of us and goes a long, long way towards melting our freezing hearts with love. 

Birthday Celebrations, Finally!

It's so great to have my brothers and my mum finally celebrating my birthday with me!

It's great to be back home!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Wedding Ceremonies

It's been a decade since I attended wedding ceremonies! Oh wow! Finally! Finally! I am attending the wedding ceremony of my coursemate! It's a joyous occasion indeed! 

While love is something intangible, its impact and effect cannot be missed. 

I think it is scary to marry someone you've only met for a few months/years and decide to love him for the next thirty or forty or even fifty years! Why?! We live with our parents and siblings for twenty or thirty years, and sometimes, we wonder if we even love them because of our blood relations, or because we want to. And not to mention the potential loss. The more we invest, the more we will miss it when we lose it. 

So, why would people want to get married? People at different stages of life, offer a variety of responses. 

A widower explains, "People marry because there is a physical attraction. And you can't deny it. You will know it. It's in your bones. To me, love is going to the hospital every day to visit your wife when she's sick, and never missing a single day, rain or shine. It also means flying all the way back for her when she really needs you by her side."

The sceptic in me, wonders if this is even remotely possible, for such a scenario to happen in my life. 

A widow just has this to say, "It is something that you will need in your life, no matter which stage you are. My husband died 10 years ago. Until today, I still miss him. It's hard to describe to you. Let's just say, I miss his love."

This seems promising. 

A couple in their forties ventures, "We all need our own partners. We don't want to end up being lonely."

I think it is just not right to marry to avoid a fear of being lonely. Every act of ours should be born out of love and an attractive or pull factor, not a fear or a repulsive / push factor. The chances of a successful relationship or marriage will be higher in the former compared to the latter. Wouldn't you think so?

Perhaps, sensing my thoughts and discomfort, a more optimistic lady in her thirties reassures me, "Jean, Jean, marriage is the best thing that can happen in your life! It's not bleak or the end of the world. Despite all initial apprehensions, it is really comforting to have somebody whom you can fully trust and open up your whole world to!"

Oh well, being the ever naïve and optimistic me,  I will cling onto my hopes of faith and belief in the power of love. 

As the marriage ceremony proceeds, the pastor offers his own personal tips of maintaining a successful marriage: 

• Be alert and observant at all times.
• Marriage brings out the best in each other .
• Give lots and lots of forgiveness.
• Give your time, lots of gifts, affirmation, touch ...
• Don't keep score. Love is an action .
• Rejoice and grow in your marriage .
• Love never fails. Love comes from God . 
• Live in love and live in God.
• Guard yourself in the spirit and do not break faith.

As I fly halfway across the world, crossing earlier time zones and into the breaking dawn, I can't help but feel in my veins and bones that I am going to embark on a new journey in my life. I will need to follow this advice very, very soon! 

Jean! Ganbarinasai! Anata wa dekiru! zettai akiramenai ne! 

Bonne chance! 

Funerals

It has been a long time since I attended a funeral. The last one I remembered which I attended was that of my aunt, who passed away in an accident about 20 years ago. I still miss her. She was an aunt who baked cookies every weekend. She baked delicious fruit cakes too! 

Then two months ago, the mother of my friend passed on. Two days later, another aunt of mine passed away. She was the wife of my uncle, the eldest son of my grandfather. It came as quite a shock. Just two weeks prior to her passing, we had dinner together and she was giving me advice on marriage and dating. I was in shock. 

And so, I attended her funeral. Partly because I hadn't attended a funeral in two decades. At the funeral parlour, there were monks praying and chanting. My cousins folded papers into shapes which resembled money in the olden days. We watched paper cars and houses burning. Then, on the last day, they had a coffin closing ceremony. We circled the coffin three times, as a way of bidding last farewell to the deceased. 

At first, I was emotionless. Watching the funeral rites like a passer-by. But as we circled the coffin, and watch the men sealing it with cello-tapes, and watching the coffin lid being compressed together, tighter and tighter with each layer of tape, I couldn't help thinking that I won't be able to see this aunt anymore. This was really the last time, ever! For real! 

Tonnes of questions flooded my mind at this point. Has she lived her life as she would have liked, as she imagined? Was she satisfied with her life? Could she say that she had lived her life to the fullest? 

As she was the mother of two daughters, I wondered how would I feel if the same happened to me. I would never, ever see my mum again. I felt sad. So, so, sad. And I cried, for the loss of my friend's mother, his one and only friend and closest-kin who ever knew him from head to toe, in and out; I cried for my cousin's loss, and her relief from her duties of caring for her sick mum; I cried for my future loss; I cried at the idea of never seeing my mum again. 

And you bet, I cried like there was no tomorrow. All relatives who attended thought that I must have been very close to this aunt. 

Or that it was the very first funeral which I attended. My uncle consoled me. "Jean, the first cut is always the deepest. But as you go through life, the more cuts you experience, the pain that you suffer will be less. It's just like the sting of an ant. The first time it bit you, you cried too! The second time, you probably winced. The third time, you just brushed the ant off. The fourth time, you just let it bite you 'til it got fulfilled. Life is such. This, is life." 

My mum, who knows me only too well, only had this too say, "Jean! Were you crying for yourself? For me? or for the aunt or for your cousins and uncle? or for your friend?"

It is hard to articulate my emotions. I have learnt to suppress it since I became a sojourner. I suddenly realize that I am not good at expressing myself. While I am in tune with my emotions, I do not feel a need to give every emotion of mine a name or a definition. I just cry when I want to, without ever really knowing why. 

Does it matter, why I cried? 

Funerals are a sad affair. It serves as a stark reminder that nothing in life is permanent. We are only here temporarily. It doesn't matter how we die. The fact is, we will all die. 

The question is: Have we made our life count? 

I wish I could answer that with confidence. At the end of my life, I want to be able to say that I have lived a life without any regrets. I have taken care of my family and friends and all the people around me. I have loved them with every ounce of love that I have, according to my ability, talents and resources. I believe I have inspired them in every way to pass it forward and to believe that God is alive in our hearts, in our souls and in our minds. That He is the reason that we live, and He is the source of our blessings. And our spirits will definitely live on, even if our physical bodies have decayed. 

Life is short. Cherish it. Every single moment and minute of it. Do not let it go to waste. 

Perhaps, at my tombstone, the inscription on my epitaph would be as such: 

 "Over-thinking kills. 

Stop analyzing. 

Step out.

Start living. 

Appreciate all the bitter-sweet moments in your life. 

Right here, Right now, 

This, is life. 

Make it count."

Perhaps, I shouldn't view death so pessimistically. After all, if every beginning is an end, and every end is a new beginning, Martin Luther King Jr. 's epitaph sums it all up quite aptly:

"Free at Last, Free at Last

Thank God Almighty

I'm Free at Last."

(https://web.cn.edu/kwheeler/epitaphs.html)

With this, I bid adieu to my online blogging life and resolve to start living life anew.

I will live in the moment from now on. 5% in the past, 85% in the present, and 10% in the future.

May God be with me in all my present and future actions. 

May He continue to be my inspiration and my intercessor.

 May He be with me in all that I do, 

And all that I ever hope and aspire to achieve.  

In Jesus' most precious name I pray, 

Amen. 

Moscow!

Moscow! I'm finally here! I never imagined that I would ever visit Russia, until I met my friends at IFP School.

Russia is a beautiful country. I never understood the true meaning of beauty until I came to Russia. Here, I found that there is beauty in everything!

Beauty in the form of a single rose, in a book, in architecture, in art, in music, in sculpture, even on the walls and roofs of buildings!

An item is not just an item. It is the ultimate art when an item not only serves its function, but also pleases the one who beholds it at the same time. Imagine holding a smooth,warm,furry embroidered purple velvet book with gold letterings which chronicles the rich Russian history from the Ice age until the modern times; or imagine walking in the train stations, looking up at the ceilings with bright light which shine onto white ribbons and floral designs; or even looking through a transparent roof which serves as the base of a fountain, with gushing water constantly splashing over it under the glittering sun rays... Ahh! This, is Russia!

Here, I learnt that a building is not just a mere building. Each construction, each building has its own style, which represents its architect and the era they were constructed. It symbolizes the identity, the richness, the grandiose of a nation. Even the space between buildings, between walls, and height of the rooms tell a story. Each empty space, each solid surface, is a space for the creation of art. A place to tell a story, to transmit a message, to remind one of the years gone by, and envisioning of a hopeful and brighter future. A building made from red earth and bricks has a rich soul, wise beyond its years, an ever present witness to the events from one era to another. Its style of construction, whether it has a golden domed roof or a coloured one; whether it has a cross, straight or crooked; whether it's painted red with shite stripes, or white with gold borders; it is not only unique but a display of elegance and records of historical events.

I love Russia. My Russian friends laments the worsening economic condition of their country, the lack of appreciation towards their countries' talented artists, musicians and academicians. I too feel for them. But when I look at the beauty of the country, in nature, in architecture, in science, in literature, in music, and in art, I think it is a blessing to be living in Russia. For one can only create beautiful pieces when one's mind is at peace. Beauty is, after all, a reflection of our soul's inner peace .

Even though it is difficult to enter Russia for travellers from non-Russian speaking countries (with strict visa requirements), it is still great for me. Indeed, there are always two sides to a coin. Having partially closed doors means limiting ties to the outside world, but it also means you carefully select those whom you want to allow into your world, to ensure the people living within your borders are protected, innocent, unpolluted and well-cared for. It ensures the continuity of your cultural heritage and preservation of your identity.

After this trip to Russia, I am inspired. Behind each closed door, is a hidden gem. I intend to discover or at least peer through each of these windows to have a glimpse into the world behind every door.

Sculptures in the Gardens

Lake in the Apple Gardens! 

Look! Golden book! 

Church! 

Red walls of Kremlin from afar!

Walls of a Metro Station 

Ceiling of the Metro Station - looks like a theatre!

Another ceiling in the metro station 

Fountain on the roof of a shopping complex!

Dreams

"Jean, I want to work overseas!" expresses my Russian friend. "I want to see the world. I don't want to work here, in Moscow, with traffic jams, an old and cramped apartment, an overcrowded population."

I smiled. "Don't we all think the same?"

Having worked in Dubai, studying in France and travelling halfway across the world, I learnt that there is a growing population who desire a better life out of their own countries. There are French who want to work in America, there are Americans who want to work in Germany, there are Germans who want to work in UAE, there are Emiratis who want to work in the US, there are Malaysians who want to work in Russia, and there are Russians who want to work in and live in Iran.

Each of us have our own dreams. We always think that it's better outside. It's greener, it's bluer, it's richer, it's funnier; it's cooler, it's brighter, it's more sunny, it's more liberating. In short, everything is better out of the borders of our own homes.

As I walk in the apple gardens of B... ya, I stop myself and catch my ever fluidizing thoughts in thin air. "Stop!" I will it. "Is it truly like this?"

My Russian friends think that Moscow is overpopulated. I say "Come to Beijing! You'll see the true definition of overpopulation."

They say "oh look! A local organization decided to stop funding university research projects!" I say "Fancy you even have that! Come to my country! An academy for scientists and researchers, does it even exist?"

One day, one of them had a look at Google map of my place and exclaimed, "Oh ! Wow! It's so green!"  which caused me to think that Moscow was a grey, polluted city without greens, only buildings. But imagine my surprise when I my friend brought me to Gorky park and we walked around this **hectar area, along the river, cycling water boats, admiring sculptures and fountains, with young and old, dancing and playing musical instruments, to swaying flowers, trees and leaves! Honestly, this was not the Russia I imagined.

As if hearing my thoughts, my friend who's walking with me breaks in, "Really?! What did you expect then, before you came to Russia?"

Embarassed, I blushed. Abashed. "Actually, I imagined the streets to be filled with weapon-wielding youths, street gangs, and stone-cold  men and women affected by the World War II with un-smiling faces."

(Ok. I may have exaggerated there, ever so slightly.)

Instead, I see men and women, young and old, happily cycling under the sun, talking, couples lying around on fluffy air bags in the grass, children singing, teenagers playing the guitar, dancing to Russian folk songs. Happily and gaily, I might add.

And so, I realized that our perceptions have been very much pre-conditioned by mass media. Whenever I visit a new country, time and time again, I am reminded that to have a feel of what it really likes to be a citizen in a country, you have to be there physically and live there for as long as you can. Never, ever, be influenced by what you read on the internet or newspapers, or what you watch on television news or movies. And please, do, interact with the locals as much as you can, for then, you will view life through the lenses of an authentic local, not just through the perspective of tourists or tourist guides.

In addition, don't assume that just because there are migrants or foreigners working in your country, it symbolizes that the living conditions of the home countries of these migrants/foreigners are bad. There are many factors which cause people to work overseas, be it in the business sector or service industry. These factors can range anything from low salaries to an official excuse for a family escapade. With the increased population of students with higher degrees graduating from schools annually, the location of work for today's youth is no longer confined within the limits of their own home country. The youths of today eagerly seeking to achieve what their parents lacked, an ocean of options, the luxury of carving out the challenges of their imaginations and living up to their individual expectations.

The youths of our future are a hopeful generation, filled with zest, passion and a vision. They know exactly what they want. Let us not quench their enthusiasm. Instead, let us fan their burning embers and fire them up to create a world of endless possibilities.

Heritage

I am a Malaysian. I am Chinese. Just these two facts alone are enough confuse anybody who doesn't originate from South-East Asia.

"What?! You're Chinese? You're Malaysian? How can that be? Chinese are from China, Malays are from Malaysian. You can't be both!" exclaims a student from Belgium.

"Why not? My grandparents came from China to Malaysia in the early part of  20th Century. They married, and gave birth to my parents, who gave birth to me." I explained.

"So, you're a Malay! Your mum's Malay? Your dad's Malay?" the student summarizes and continues quizzing me.

"No! No! I'm not! I'm Chinese! I'm a Malaysian-Chinese! My mum's Chinese, my Dad's Chinese. I am Chinese." I insist.

To the eyes of the outside world, almost all countries have a one ethnic group per country policy, especially in China and Russia (I think).

Indeed, even as a child, I lived in a borderless world of my own. I never felt as if I belonged to a specific country. I studied history, but I could never related to it. I studied it because I had to pass my exams. Not because I wanted to understand my roots or my ancestors. This was, after all, where my ancestors chose to settle down. Not me. If I had a choice, I would choose to live in a cool country with four seasons, next to a gurgling river in spring and snowy mountains in winter. and of course, pluck mushrooms for dinner, make flower garlands to crown my imaginary long, black hair.

This, I suppose, are just one of the many impacts of being migrant children. A sense of lost identity, as if there are many lose ends which are just waiting to be tied.

As we tour Moscow, my Russian friends regale me with the historical events of Russia , from the reign of Tsar, Alexander the 1st, Alexander the Second, Stalin, Lenin, Putin, I am deeply impressed. They tell me these stories from their hearts. They are not merely reciting what they learnt from school or their teachers. They honestly believe it, and truly appreciate contribution of these leaders. The most amazing thing is they tell it with so much pride! Their faces beam as they speak about the achievements of their leaders, the legacy they have left behind, and their eyes glisten as they speak of the demise or  asasination of leaders.

After four days, my friend decided to quiz me unexpectedly. "So, Jean! When did the Russian revolution occur? Who was the leader of this revolution? When did Soviet Union breakup and when was Russia formed?"

I stutter. I mutter. "Umm.. is it Lenin? Stalin?"

My friend is exasperated. "Jean! You've listened to me, and K talking about the history of Russia for four days! You don't even know?! How could you? Tell me! Who is Lenin? What did he do for the country? Who is Stalin?" She bombards me with questions like the cannons from Kremlin Square.

My heart skips three beats. It thumps, twice. Then, it leaps off the cliff. "An autocratic leader? The leader of a revolution?"

"Aaaargh!!!!"  My friend had to literally tie both of her hands to her back to prevent herself from strangling me. I felt like a chicken awaiting its fate at the slaughterhouse.

"After four days! Did you even listen to what we explained?!" She exclaims.

I squirm uneasily, even though I am standing. I do not speak of the history of Malaysia with as much enthusiasm as them, much less, the history of China. I am hopeless.

During a visit to the Russian national state museum, we see a group of school girls in red vested uniforms and braided hair,  listening to the explanation of the museum guide on Russian history. And I thought, "Wow! These children are so lucky!"

My friend, as if reading my thoughts, catches me and throws me a question yet again, "Don't you have these excursions when you were young? If you didn't, how would you understand history? How would you relate to it? How would you even feel or understand history?"

Probably because of my missing tours to museums when I was a child, I thus do not appreciate history very much. I gave a random, lame excuse. "Ohh! Probably it is because I stayed in a small little village, far from the city. Thus, I did not have many opportunities to visit museums."

Honestly, I only began to love history when I visited the underground Dubai museum, with wax figures enacting scenes of the past, transported back through time, from the era when pearl diving was a lucrative business until oil and gas exploitation became the next big hit of the country. I was even more amazed when I visited the London museum only to discover that the Louvre in Paris existed since the 18th/19th Century! The artist even drew a picture of it in winter and summer seasons! My! My! I didn't know museums existed even then! I thought museums were a thing of the 20th century.

My friend's curiousity piqued. "How about classical music? How are you able to differentiate between compositions of Chopin, Bach, Mozart and Brahms?"

"I don't." I reply. "All I know is Chopin is a pianist and he's from the Romantic period. Mozart is into string instruments and he's from the ... period."

"But you do know their famous pieces, right? The Four Seasons by Vivaldi, Nocturne by Chopin..." And she rapidly fires off a few other famous compositions by renowned composers).

"Well, I know some. But not all. I know the tune if I heard them. But not the title of these compositions." I reply. Rather unconvincingly, I might add. After all, I had to study these pieces because my piano teacher painstakingly made sure that I could differentiate and play piano pieces as accurately as possible, as denoted on the printed music scores. I played not from my heart, but as depicted.

"How, then, are you able to appreciate literature by Shakespeare or famous poets and authors, if you never visited theatres, watch plays and dances, to watch these scenes being enacted out, right in front of your eyes?"

"Ahh! We just use our imagination!" To this question, I replied with absolute conviction. After all, this is what I frequently do. Imagine. Even until now.

"How about dancing, singing... ? How do you learn these at school?"

"Well, we learn to sing for fun, nursery rhymes, folk songs, but never the story behind these songs, or the era they were sung in, or imagine the scenario or the circumstances that the singer was in to come up with these songs. As for dance, did we have dance? I don't think so. It was an optional, extra-curricular activity."

My friend shakes her head in utter disbelief. She cannot imagine a life without ballet, singing, theatre and museums for students. I forgot to tell her, these are things which I only indulged in, as my earning power gradually increased, and I could afford to continually educate myself, about the world and life, its strife and its joys. As I seek to be inspired and entertained, by plays, art and music.

For a moment, we paused. How far have I come from the day I was schooling by the seaside, to the day I am working in one of the tallest twin towers in the world today? Are the youths and children of our youth missing out on certain parts of essential education, just because our methods and approaches are different? Are the left and right brains of our future generation being developed in a balanced manner?

I sigh. I certainly believe that everybody should watch a piece performed in a theatre at least once in their lifetime. To listen to a well rehearsed piece of orchestra music, string, quartet, especially wind instruments like piccolo and flute, oh! and harps! To be touched by music, and amazed by the talents of these musicians, whose fingers dance gracefully and effortlessly across strings, whistling through seemingly hollow tubes, releasing colourful music notes into the sky, like little soap bubbles, glistening and shining under the sun rays.

Yet, because these things are considered non-profitable activities, the cost of these performances are relatively high. And really, not everybody loves it, even if they could afford it.

Education is a continuous journey. If I had the power to influence the education ministry, I certainly would encourage children to visit theatres and museums, and bring history to life too! Oh! I do wish, ever, so much.

Buildings at the Red Kremlin Square 

Entrance to Gorky Park 

Military Museum (I think)

Credits

Two years ago, I came to France to take a break. Little did I know, not only did it break my strong and stubborn spirit, but it humbled me, softened me, and helped me to find my warmth, humanity, intellectuality and spirituality.

When I left Paris one year ago, I thought I shed tears because I missed the trees, the rivers, the cool fresh air, the gardens, the apple trees, the grape vines and the flowers. I thought I would be happy if I worked here, in this small little town of Rueil-Malmaison.

But this time, when I came back to Paris, one year after leaving it, after meeting up with my classmates and friends, I realize that it was not Paris I missed. It was the friends that I had made throughout my stay here.

I miss the intellectual conversations that we have during lunch breaks, dinners, field trips and weekends. I miss talking about life, its definition, its purpose, its meaning.

I miss the discussions about international relations and its impact on the global socio-economy and welfare of its citizens. I miss exploring religion from different aspects, perspectives and views through the eyes of a socialist, democrat, atheist and believers.

When I came two years ago, I was like a music box with broken parts, unable to turn or sing, like a bird who lost its voice,with broken wings. It was my friends whom I met here, who renewed my faith, my hope, my trust and my purpose in life.

There's Prizila, who, like me, decided to take a break from work to redefine her life and her priorities. There's Naomi, who fearlessly shared her testimony on how God changed her life and how it could change others, and engulfed me in flames when all I could do was cackle like wet wood. There's Antoine, who taught me French during wireline logging lessons in class, embedding his French accent into his English conversations. There's Florian, who wasn't afraid to be who he is, good or evil, angel or menace, who readily, courageously admitted what he did, who knew he was shrewd and used his wits. It was my very first time to meet someone who did not feel the need to pretend, who did exactly what he wanted, stretching the boundaries of morality as much as he could. There's Gonza, who was a strong pillar of support throughout my studies, who stuck with me through thick and thin, who taught me to communicate verbally, when all I wanted to do was shut myself in my world of silence. There's Mansour, who taught me to question everything, including my beliefs, my thoughts, my values, my character and my background. There's Quentin, who taught me statistics and correlations, and inspired me to aim further and look beyond my present capabilities. There's Kostya, whose low, deep, even and calm tone of voice could soothe any agitated spirit. Then there's Moralito, who treats girls like delicate jewels, taking care of each of us, readily offering his help whenever we are in distress. And of course, Evgenii, with his strong, enthusiastic and fearless Russian spirit, who perseveres despite all odds; Masha, who warmed my heart, a young lady in her twienties who loved music in the sixties, teaching me how to love; and Alina, who's pure and innocent, and I did not even have the heart to tell her to wear a metal armour to shield herself, just in case she got bogged down by its weight.  

Oh! Did I also mention my professors? SB, who taught me to hang on tight, the road ahead may be rough, but to be change agents, we must stick around like glue. Be strong headed, be strong willed, no matter how long it takes, be it 3 years, 5 years, 7 years, 10 years,.... , stick around long enough to bring positive impact to your circle of influence. OL, who exposed me to reservoir characterization for the first time and I fell in love with it at first sight and knew that it would be my calling, my vocation for the next half of my life. IB, who nourished me, cherished me, watered me, showered me with hugs, kisses, bright sun rays and rainbows everywhere, when all I could see was storms, thunders, lightning and dark, grey clouds. MA, who showed me how to execute our best, and not expect others to respond the way we want them to. and of course, CL, who made me fell in love with geology with all her varied creative approaches.

I love France and all that it has to offer. Its art is an expression of individualism. Its fashion exudes simplicity and elegance. Its architecture is an attestation to its history. Its cuisine is an art. Its gardens are a reflection of its philosophical ideologies. Its history is about flexibility. Its people are inspiring. Every conversation with a French citizen is like sitting around the table of Socrates, engaging in conversations which provoke thoughts, answering with questions, and questioning with answers, like a mirror which reflects itself, creating an infinite number of images and solutions.

Yes. All of us came to France (on the pretext of studying) with different expectations. Yet, having submerged ourselves in French waters, we emerged out of its magical ocean with more confidence, a stronger sense of purpose in life, developing our own unique sense of individualism, finding our niche. Most of all, we found out who we really are, not afraid to be our true selves and having the courage to live it out.

Maintenance

Everything needs maintenance. Cars need repairs. Windows need washing. Engines need oiling. Birds and pets need attention. Likewise, relationships need lots of tender loving care too!  

So, here's what HB from my school reminded me, "Jean! Remember to maintain the strong relationships that you have forged here! Keep in touch with everyone! I have a school friend whom I played with when I was 10 years old, and until now, we still meet up every week for lunch!"

It's unbelievable! (at least to me). I'm not a person who's into maintaining relationships. I do meet people from time to time, but not frequently. Probably because I like to stay at home too much. haha. But it is time to change, grow up and be a responsible adult. I will not take anything for granted from now on. I will appreciate all that I have, the people in my life, every single one. I will work even harder to keep these relationships. 

I shall not burn a bridge each time I make a new one. After all, it is hard to meet those who think along the same lines as us, or to find those whose voices resonate with the pitch and tone of our lives. Jean, Jean... remember, remember.... oil those wheels and keep them running! Send a message to your friends from time to time to let them know you're thinking of them. 

Summer in Russia

In the Apple Gardens

Flying to Russia... View from the Airplane

Ahh! Summer! Spring! Flowers , red, white, and pink, everywhere!

Ahh! Dandelions! 

Dandelions dandelions, I love dandelions!

Pigeon 

Ducks swimming in the river! 

Duck who flew and perched on the banister! 

Embracing Life

So, It's been seven months since I came back. I still miss my IFP School life, but not as much. Life is picking up. I'm getting busier in work and in my personal life. I have more things to look forward to right now. A potential Ph.D, a potential long-term relationship, a bible-study group, practising with a circle of fencers, a morning and evening exercise routine, and weekends meeting friends, baking, writing and outing with my brothers. Ahh... I suppose this is what you call a 'stable life'. 

Yes. I do miss living as an expatriate. Like all things, though, there's a downside. Even though I can earn lots and spend without a care in the world, and I have many friends, there's a lack of stability. It seems while working as an expat, I always seem to be making new friends and saying bye to old ones. Life seemed really short, and I never really learn how to develop long-term relationships. Perhaps, that is why I fitted like a fish into water. Throughout my life, how many long term relationships have I developed? 

However, it has also been through this short term assignment, that I learned to recognize and know myself. I know what I want now, and I will work towards it, regardless of what others may say. After all, it is my life. After all, I will only be happy when I am singing the song of my heart. 

Yet, what is the song of my heart? Throughout these past 8 years, I have been through the following phases:

Year 1: Work for freshness, excitement 

Year 2: Work for exposure 

Year 3: Work for learning 

Year 4: Work to fulfill others needs 

Year 5: Work to fill in the gap

Year 6: Work for money 

Year 7: Work because I needed to 

Year 8: Study because I wanted to 

Year 9: Work to contribute towards the development and improvement of various disciplines

I find that I am happiest when I am studying to have my questions answered, and learning how to think, analyze and question, I am also happiest when I can see the bigger picture and visualize the end goal of my work. Right now, all I want to do is to help solve a problem. It may take a long time, but I will work towards it anyway. 

"The toil of a fool wearies him,

    for he does not know the way to the city."

(Ecclesiastes 10:15)

Now that I've found my way, I have found my song, and I will enjoy my labour. 

As much as I am eager to see changes being implemented at my workplace, I am beginning to see and understand that changes do not happen over night. Like day and night, which goes through dawn and dusk, changes take time. I must wait, be patient and learn to bend my head, shoulders and waist, like the bamboo in the storm. 

I am also beginning to realize that long-term relationships require a lot of work. First, it requires understanding the needs of others. The next step is really up to us. Do we want to accommodate them? or do we want them to accommodate us? Most of the time, it is a matter of give and take. 

Whatever decisions we take, we must always remember: 

"He who digs a pit will fall into it,

    and a serpent will bite him who breaks through a wall.

He who quarries stones is hurt by them,

    and he who splits logs is endangered by them."

(Ecclesiastes 10:8-9)

Common perception is that, the more you give, the more you lose. Yet, as Christians, we believe that the more you give, the more you receive. It is mind-boggling. I know. How can it be? It is against the common beliefs of this world! Yet, test it out and you will see that it's true! It's like how smiling is infectious, and how joy resuscitates us, giving is exactly the same! Perhaps you may not receive what you have given now, today, or tomorrow, but you will definitely receive it one day or another. In fact, don't just give because it is obligatory, or because you wish to receive something in return. Give because you genuinely want to help someone, so that the person on the receiving end will feel happier and less burdened by your assistance, and not feel obligated to return your deeds. 

"Cast your bread upon the waters,

    for you will find it after many days.

Give a portion to seven, or even to eight,

    for you know not what disaster may happen on earth.

If the clouds are full of rain,

    they empty themselves on the earth,

and if a tree falls to the south or to the north,

    in the place where the tree falls, there it will lie."

(Ecclesiastes 11: 1-3)

 In the morning sow your seed, 

and at evening withhold not your hand,

 for you do not know which will prosper, 

this or that, or whether both alike will be good.

(Ecclesiastes 11: 6)

"Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, 

and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. 

Walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes. 

But know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment."

(Ecclesiastes 11:9)

I remember now why I chose to come back. I had played and learned so much for the past three years, that I wanted to live in my home country which allows me to be a practising Christian, not just one who's filled with faith, but without action. 

Really, Jean, start being realistic and embrace your present life. The only time is now. One can play as much, but what are the consequences? Will you be happy with it? What's most important to you at the moment? 

Now that you have understood and discover yourself, it is time for your to start understanding others. Only then you will start building successful and healthy relationships with others. It is never too late to start. Start now. 

Before, I used to resent all the giving. Sometimes, the feeling of being taken advantage of is rather overwhelming. I learnt that this is because I always felt victimized and being pushed into a corner. I didn't realize that I always had a choice. And I had the power to say "NO" too! I had to learn to be assertive, and not conform to the expectations of others all the time. By the end of my short 3-year stint abroad, I learnt the power of saying 'no', being assertive and the value of practising open and direct communication. While it may not be common, I learnt that as long as I am honest, sincere and genuine in my communication, it will be well accepted. 

"But above all, my brothers, do not swear,

 either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, 

but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, 

so that you may not fall under condemnation."

(James 5:12)

It is time to live up to your word, to say what you mean, and mean what you say. Don't do things half-heartedly. Don't say 'yes' just because you want to fill up your time, or because you have nothing better to do, or because you don't know what else to do. Do it because you want to, not because you are afraid that others will take offence if you say 'no'. Don't lie to yourself or others. Be truthful to yourself. Give others a chance too! 

And learn to take everything in stride, joy, pain, happiness, sorrow, laughing, shouting, crying... because each day is as equal as the other. 

"Rejoice, rejoice, 

in the good days and the bad,

but remember , dark days will be many,

all that comes is vanity"

(Ecclesiastes 11:8)

" Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting,

 is to eat and drink and find enjoyment,

 in all the toil with which one toils under the sun,

 the few days of his life that God has given him,

 for this is his lot. "

(Ecclesiastes 5:18)

" Everyone also to whom God has given wealth and possessions and power to enjoy them, 

and to accept his lot and rejoice in his toil—this is the gift of God"

(Ecclesiastes 5:19)

"In the day of prosperity be joyful, 

and in the day of adversity consider: 

God has made the one as well as the other, 

so that man may not find out anything that will be after him."

(Ecclesiastes 7:14)

And so, this is my new motto for this year: 

1. To accept my lot.
2. To distribute my resources.
3. To rejoice in the good days and the bad.
4. To love myself.
5. To love and compliment others. 

I hope I will remember all of them. 

Long Live Liberty!

I seldom write about current affairs, not because I'm not interested in them, but because I don't feel much about it. But since I started staying in France, and having friends from Argentina, Russia, Colombia, Brazil, Mexico... I have since taken a deep interest in foreign and current affairs. Especially when I came across the fresh publications of International New York Times at IFP School every morning.

Nowadays, whenever I read in the newspapers, I actually read it with more feelings and I am easily affected by it too. When I hear how the drop in rubble has caused millions of Russians to convert their cash into assets, it leads me to think about my Russian friends who are desperate to leave their homes momentarily. When I read about the war in Iraq, I think about my Iraqi colleague who was forced to leave his home country about the war. When I read about the drop in oil prices, I think of all my course-mates who are fresh graduates and urgently seeking for jobs.

I am becoming more humanized these days, filled with much more empathy and emotions compared to before. I didn't realize this until I heard and read about the murder or asassination of Charlie Hebdo and his cartoonist colleagues. As I read and found out the reason that they were shot because of what they drew, I cried. I didn't just shed a few tears, but I cried heaps! Like the day I mourned my departure from Paris! I

I cried because I thought with the death of Charlie and his friends, liberty might have been taken away along with them to their death beds too! Frankly, I have never truly understood the definition and the true meaning of freedom and liberty until I came to France. What would happen if even France - the country with one of the largest rooms for liberty, starts to tighten its bands of freedom?

I soon found out that I had no reason to cry, Soon after the manslaughter, many people stood out to defend Charlie in his death. Writing is not a crime. Neither is drawing. Since when did words became more powerful than the physical sword itself? Indeed, more often than not, the former breathes life into us, while the other steals it away from us forcefully. In fact, a number of publications re-published the cartoons that he drew as a form of retaliation, to unite together and stand against those who would attempt to attack every fiber of freedom that France stood for.

In France, the struggle to protect and maintain the people's freedom and liberty is a highly valued responsibility. This is understandable, as many were sacrificed during the French Revolution to attain the status and symbol France stands for today: Liberty, Brotherhood and Equality. While we cannot say that these values are absolute, but they stand on a relatively higher ground than most countries put together.

I was relieved that the French took a strong stand against that.

What does it mean to be free? Does the fact that you're able to roam around wherever you please means you're free? Does the fact that you can do whatever you want within certain boundaries means you're free? Sometimes, it's not.

It's what you're not told that will keep you confined, either in your thoughts, your mind, your values and your philosophy. Truly, truly, "The truth will set you free"!

So, seek out all you want and seek something that your heart desires desperately. Don't let ignorance bind your mind. Don't let naivety tie your hands from the back. Don't restrict your own capabilities just because you've been trained to. You can stop this vicious cycle.

Nothing handicaps a generation more than the chains of the mind.

Open your minds today and unleash your potential!