Loving Myself and Discovering the New Me!

Along my journey to know myself, one of the inevitable questions that frequently crops up is "Who am I?"

What happens if, one day, my title as a reservoir engineer were stripped away, what would I be? What would I do? What if one day I wasn't a reservoir engineer anymore, what would that leave me with then? 

When I was a workaholic, I was often fearful that when my job was stripped away from me, I would be left with nothing. I would be defenseless, helpless and lost. I would have lost all my identity and my sense of self-worth. 

As I travel on a journey towards healing from workaholism, I realize that my job is just a profession. It is something that enables me to feed myself and provide for my family. Nothing more than that. It is not a battle that I must win every round. Neither it is a calling that is worth dying for. Nor a profession that requires countless sacrifices of quality time with loved ones or myself. A job is just a job. Once I'm out of office, it's time to switch off and focus on investing in myself and my loved ones. 

Yet,  one of the most important questions as I crawl out of the dark workaholic pit is "How well do I know myself? What do I really like? What do I really love?"

Before I can fully appreciate life, I must know myself on a deeper level first. 

And so, I embark on yet another journey of self-discovery. 

What have I found so far? 

I have a very strong spirit of determination. Once I set my mind on something, I will make sure I finish it. I am focused and I will persevere, despite all odds. No doubt about it. I will cry (but the tears seem to decrease as I grow older). I may moan (it's decreasing too, as I begin to accept setbacks as part of life). But I will always find a way out. It must be the Chinese fighting spirit. Or a basic human instinct for survival. We are a tough bunch of human beings! Fighting against all odds to prove ourselves or just for the fun of it. Just to prove to ourselves that it can be done. Most of all, to tell ourselves that "Yes! It can be done! Nothing is impossible!"

I am emotional. I try to be less emotional these days. Yet, being less emotional doesn't mean being indifferent or being less thoughtful about the needs of others; or be cruelly insensitive to others. It just means being able to view the actions of others objectively, not judgingly or begrudgingly, but with a wide 360 degrees overview or perspective, and deciding the next best course of action. Being able to put ourselves in other people's shoes, understanding their background, their insecurities, their worries and how to allay their fears. It is not about winning battles. But winning hearts! And how do we win hearts? By understanding basic human needs. We are not machines. We are humans, with feelings. 

I love to be paid compliments. Who doesn't? I love to feel pretty and look pretty. I love to have long, wavy, smooth and silky hair. I love to be petit so that I can fit into all the nice and lovely dresses! Therefore, I will watch what I eat. After all, we are what we eat, ain't that right? I remember when I first went to Paris, I was shocked to find that there was not a single 'fat' person in sight. Everybody was so slim and so fit! Unknowingly, as I followed the French diet, I gradually lost 1 kg a month! When I came back to Malaysia, I realized that food here was so oily and so sweet and so spicy! I found that the spiciness assaulted my senses. The oily food made everything so greasy .. everything I ate coated my lips and cheeks with layers of oil, during and after intake. Every dish contained sugar, Literally everything. And so, I resorted to preparing my own lunch, which resulted in me looking quite 'freakish'. haha! 

After all, if I could afford to eat outside, why prepare my own lunch? I invited a lot of questions. "Are you on a diet?" "Oh! It must be the French influence!"

Little did I know I, too have changed my taste buds, unknowingly. And now, I rather like this new me! Less oil, less salt, less salt, less sugar. I love it! I feel lighter and more active! I can even jump up in the air spontaneously! It feels good! Therefore I will stick with my diet. 

It feels especially good when I can wear a size "S" and see my waist in the mirror. *wink* 

I love challenges. I love to solve problems and come up with solutions. I like the rush of adrenaline and the sense of accomplishment when a hard problem is solved. It just goes one step further to prove that I have passed another mental, emotional or physical barrier. One of the greatest part of this ten-month Sabbatical leave is that I learnt that barriers only exist in our minds. If we put our hearts and minds into something that we really want, and pray really really hard and put all our effort into getting it, we will eventually get what we want. Most of all, I learnt that we should not let fear define our lives. Since then, I tell myself, "For God's sake! Go out and live! Get a life! Don't always get stuck in your fears and worries.  You will never advance forward this way!"

"Go on!" I nudge myself, bit by bit. I urge myself to take that one step forward. And the rest, as they say, is history. The most important part is that courage to step out without knowing what's out there. It may be empty air, it may be solid wood. The thing is, I will never know until I step out that there might be a parachute I never knew existed in my backpack, or an invisible bridge in front of me, or a deep gushing waterfall to cushion my fall. Regardless, I will feel so alive because I jumped and I survived! I'm alive! I like to feel alive! I don't like to merely feel that I am existing or to hear my heart beating , thup, thup, thup, with a steady rhythm. I like to feel excited and to feel all my senses opened up. Suddenly I look at the world with a new sight, I hear the world with a new perspective, and I think from a new dimension and I speak with an angle that I never thought I'd be able to! I like to feel refreshed, renewed and rejuvenated. And I can only feel that if I jump without a net. 

Isn't it dangerous? I used to think so. But a friend recently reminded me, that the only fear I  should have is of God. And if God is with me, He will deliver me. Therefore, I will not fear of everything that is to come. 

I love to express my thoughts. I love to talk. I love to put on a little act every now and then. I can't stand to see people being in the dark or being pushed in a corner like a cornered rabbit. I like to help people out. I believe it is my duty to help others to crawl out of that dark hole. I did it therefore I will extend that hand to help them out when they need it. Really. It's not about climbing that crazy wheel that seems like a ladder which ends up at the same spot regardless of when and where you climbed it. It is about helping people to find joy in what they do so that they can excel at what they do and believe in the higher purpose of their jobs. It's a meaningful job and I love it! Seriously! I can't express how much I like it. Thus, I like to give presentations which gives people an "Oh! Ahah!" enlightening moment. I like to see light bulbs being lighted up one by one. "Ting, ting, ting!" and suddenly, the world seems so much brighter and happier! 

I like to invest in myself too! I have found the benefit of doing activities that actually make me feel alive and happy. It's infectious. Once I'm happy, I interact more positively with the people around me too! I'm more sensitive to their needs as well. Suddenly, I'm not that heartless mercenary or working machine anymore. I'm human. I'm able to empathize and sympathize with others. I am able to feel for others. I am human and it feels good. So, nowadays, I take the time to indulge in the Word of God, to exercise early in the morning. I even took up fencing lessons! Just to increase my agility and decreasing my fear of conquering the unknown. 

I also like to dream! I like it when I have lots of room of creativity, especially when everybody else around me are lost and I like the freedom to create wonder! Like Petrosains! I like to dream about possibilities and ask questions like "Why Not?!" I like to think about endless possibilities and never about impossibilities! Because thoughts of possibilities opens doors and impossibilities blinds one's sight, mind and ears! I won't even entertain any negative sentiments in my world. It may creep in silently, quietly. But once it is there, I will burn it up, vanquish it and banish it, never to be seen again. 

My favourite colour is white. My favourite handbag is white. My suit is white. My dress is white. I like white so much so that when I dress in white, I feel so happy and I feel on top of the world ! Of course, I like colours too! I have red, black, purple and blue dresses , but none of them beats white. There is a certain sense of tranquility and purity that white brings along with its presence. I may fall in love with other colours for a season or two. But I will always fall back to white after I've fallen out of love with other colours. In fact, I'd love it if I had white hair all over my head. I think it makes me look wise beyond my years! That's how much I love white. 

I love to go outdoors too! I love to be with nature because I think it has a lot to teach us, about the ecosystem and world in general. It's great to see how flowers can co-exist in peace with trees, butterflies, birds, deers and elephants! Even lady-birds and caterpillars and leeches can live in the forest happily. Everybody just goes about their own business without knocking into each other. Isn't that great? 

In my world, it is exactly like that. Happy people who look after others when the need arises and doesn't encroach into others' niches. People who respect each other's private spaces. Tranquility. That's what it is. It's not about tolerance or compromise. Because to tolerate means you're just hanging onto your thin string of patience even though you can't stand it. And to compromise means to be able to give in, despite you wanting a little more of it. Instead, we should know ourselves and know how much is enough for each of us. It's about being contented and not taking more than we can have or take. Not about fighting for that extra piece of cake just so we can have more on our plates. Peace. It's about knowing ourselves, how much we truly need and what we truly stand for. 

Perhaps, that's why I am glad and delighted that I took my Sabbatical leave. I found myself and people who echoed my sentiments, who eagerly expanded my philosophy, and enriched my life. I hope I can continue to find this rich wealthy library of resources wherever I go. Yes! I will continue to open up my eyes and seek earnestly. 

Keep your hopes up and keep on wearing your magical colourful glasses, Jean! 

Take it off from time to time, but don't forget to put it on again! 

What is life?

Before I went to Paris, my favourite question was "What is life? What is the meaning of life? What's the purpose of living?"

It wasn't until after several months after living and trying out all things available in and around UK/Europe, it finally clicked. I was having a good time with my friends, laughing freely without any inhibitions whatsover that I finally realized that Life is about Living, Laughing and Loving. 

To live - means to live in the present. Not in my computer, my blog, my phone, my melancholy, my thoughts, my past, my future or my dreams. It means enjoying and fully being in the present, appreciating what we do have at the moment and letting people around us know that we love them, we are thankful for them and we really, truly appreciate them appearing in our lives. 

To laugh - to laugh from the heart. A delightful, hearty laughter. Not faked, obliging, pretentious, bitter, or sarcastic. Not smirk or mock. A downright emotional laughter that will last even when you think about it while lying on your bed, you will be smiling and laughing thinking how blessed you are to be surrounded by people who love you and accept you for who you are, despite your flaws. 

To love - to be able to give and receive graciously. Not giving out of gratitude, or to return a good deed, or because you don't want it anymore, or because you have lots to spare. Giving because you just feel like giving, or you think they'd need it, they'd like it, they'd love it, they'd appreciate it. Giving from the heart. And of course to be able to receive graciously too! That's what I learnt. Not to reject compliments but to receive it cheerfully. Not to reject food which has been planned and prepared the whole day but to accept it with compliments. Not to reject offers for help because it will definitely lighten your chores. There's no secret to love, is there? All it needs is a little compliment said with a smile and a glint in the eye. 

This, is life. Don't complicate it. Don't go second guessing the motive behind each and every action of the people around you. It is not only harmful to you, it is also tiring and exhausting. Besides, it doesn't harm to tear down that wall and extend your trust. After all, without trust, there would be no real relationships. Don't build high walls just because you've been hurt. Trust may come with a price, but trust anyway. With trust, comes goodwill; With goodwill, comes friendships; With friendships, come love. So, trust. Don't be hostile. Don't be evil. Don't be wicked. Trust, and it will all be well. 

Yet, we must trust wisely. Don't be simple minded. Don't be gullible or too naïve. Be shrewd. Be wise. Be gentle. Be focused. You've come a long way to be where you are today. Don't let a few dim moments of setbacks define your future.  

The lights in our lives may blackout every now and then but God sends his angels in to light it up again! 

:)

Therefore, take heart, cheer up. Life is on its way of becoming better and better!

Lost! Seeking A Place of Belonging...

Since coming back to Malaysia, I have a strong urge to revert to an old mentality. It's the constant striving to be like others. 

"I want to be like my brother, who constantly treats my mum like gold."

or

"I want to build up my skills like Mr. R, who knows theory like the back of his hand and is practical and artistic, like Antoni Gaudi, the architect of Sagrada Familia and many other structures!"

"I want to be like E, who is calm and smiling all the time, who doesn't seem to be affected by any events."

"I want to be good in financial management, in economics, so that I can manage my own money wisely."

Then I remember my dear friend, Naomi, telling me, "Jean! We are women. We can't expect ourselves to be like men! We have emotions, that's a fact. and we must use it to our advantage. Don't try to ignore it or dismiss it. It's what makes us human. It's what fills us with the maternal instinct. Don't be something that you are not. Let your skills develop naturally. They will come with time. Just take it one step at a time. Don't be in a hurry. Time is your friend. Time is always here for you."

Ahh... It is just so comforting to know that "It is all right to be myself. " 

Despite me knowing who I was for the last ten months, I find my knowledge of myself slowly eroding and corroding. It is as fast as my hair loss rate, 30 strands of hair per day. 15 in the morning and 15 in the evening. It is too fast. I can't afford to lose myself anymore. 

I need to stand up for myself and stand up to others. I need to protect the little room that I have, my little sanctuary. It is the only thing I have to myself right now. 

I miss laughing. I miss singing. I miss composing my own songs. I miss being who I am. I miss doing what I love and what I want.I miss going outdoors studying geology. I miss my quiet time. I miss my friends.I miss going for walks. I miss the fresh air. I miss fresh fish. I miss the open air concert, the free weekly chamber orchestra, jazz music performance. I miss the market. Oooh! I miss macaroons and the splendid chocolât chaud! 

Oh God... please help me to find my own tune here soon! Otherwise, please send me back or somewhere else. I just desperately need to be myself. 

I may hide and put on the hide of a lamb. I may change my wardrobe colour to brown or black even though I love white all over, from head to toe. I may change the tone that I speak just so that it is considered appropriate but you know it's not from my heart. I may change my words so that others' eyes do not pop out when they hear my revelations. But deep down, you know, it is not me. I am just being what others want me to be. I am not myself. This is not me. This is just what others want to see of me and I am so fed up of playing this role of the ever-obliging person, ever-complying person. I need to feel myself and be myself. I want to feel my brains moving, my limbs active and every part of my soul vibrating with passion and action. 

I need to revive my dreams and desires. They may all have been fulfilled. It is time to find new ones. Don't let others influence you. Don't let others tell you what to think, what to feel. You are the only person in your shoes who knows what it's like. If you don't fit in here, migrate. move. It is never too late. Others have succeeded, you can too! 

Jean, never fear. do not fear. You are well equipped. You just need a head start and you've got it. Just keep the momentum going. Keep on running. Never stop until you have found a place where you truly can be yourself and settle down. 

Right now, know for sure, that it is definitely not here. 

(I find that people here are too quick to judge and easily offended. Rarely is anything taken objectively. Everything is viewed with an either/or, yes/no, right/wrong perspective. Nothing is ever in-between. Neither-nor does not exist. Lukewarm is unacceptable. You have to be either hot or cold. Tolerance is compliance. Speaking out is Rebellion. Compliance is giving in. Giving in is losing out. Fight but not outwardly. Fight an invisible battle. Defend an invisible struggle. Speak behind closed doors. 

What happened to "Say what you mean, and mean what you say?"

All values are eroding, all principles are breaking down. I find it harder and harder to be myself. It's much more fun living in a foreign country and everybody just accepts you for who you are, even though you may be a tad too weird in their eyes. But it's ok. Everybody is strange anyway. Nobody expects you to be normal. 

That, is what I love about staying overseas. I am able to be myself without being judged from every person I interact with.)