So, It's been seven months since I came back. I still miss my IFP School life, but not as much. Life is picking up. I'm getting busier in work and in my personal life. I have more things to look forward to right now. A potential Ph.D, a potential long-term relationship, a bible-study group, practising with a circle of fencers, a morning and evening exercise routine, and weekends meeting friends, baking, writing and outing with my brothers. Ahh... I suppose this is what you call a 'stable life'.
Yes. I do miss living as an expatriate. Like all things, though, there's a downside. Even though I can earn lots and spend without a care in the world, and I have many friends, there's a lack of stability. It seems while working as an expat, I always seem to be making new friends and saying bye to old ones. Life seemed really short, and I never really learn how to develop long-term relationships. Perhaps, that is why I fitted like a fish into water. Throughout my life, how many long term relationships have I developed?
However, it has also been through this short term assignment, that I learned to recognize and know myself. I know what I want now, and I will work towards it, regardless of what others may say. After all, it is my life. After all, I will only be happy when I am singing the song of my heart.
Yet, what is the song of my heart? Throughout these past 8 years, I have been through the following phases:
Year 1: Work for freshness, excitement
Year 2: Work for exposure
Year 3: Work for learning
Year 4: Work to fulfill others needs
Year 5: Work to fill in the gap
Year 6: Work for money
Year 7: Work because I needed to
Year 8: Study because I wanted to
Year 9: Work to contribute towards the development and improvement of various disciplines
I find that I am happiest when I am studying to have my questions answered, and learning how to think, analyze and question, I am also happiest when I can see the bigger picture and visualize the end goal of my work. Right now, all I want to do is to help solve a problem. It may take a long time, but I will work towards it anyway.
"The toil of a fool wearies him,
for he does not know the way to the city."
(Ecclesiastes 10:15)
Now that I've found my way, I have found my song, and I will enjoy my labour.
As much as I am eager to see changes being implemented at my workplace, I am beginning to see and understand that changes do not happen over night. Like day and night, which goes through dawn and dusk, changes take time. I must wait, be patient and learn to bend my head, shoulders and waist, like the bamboo in the storm.
I am also beginning to realize that long-term relationships require a lot of work. First, it requires understanding the needs of others. The next step is really up to us. Do we want to accommodate them? or do we want them to accommodate us? Most of the time, it is a matter of give and take.
Whatever decisions we take, we must always remember:
"He who digs a pit will fall into it,
and a serpent will bite him who breaks through a wall.
He who quarries stones is hurt by them,
and he who splits logs is endangered by them."
(Ecclesiastes 10:8-9)
Common perception is that, the more you give, the more you lose. Yet, as Christians, we believe that the more you give, the more you receive. It is mind-boggling. I know. How can it be? It is against the common beliefs of this world! Yet, test it out and you will see that it's true! It's like how smiling is infectious, and how joy resuscitates us, giving is exactly the same! Perhaps you may not receive what you have given now, today, or tomorrow, but you will definitely receive it one day or another. In fact, don't just give because it is obligatory, or because you wish to receive something in return. Give because you genuinely want to help someone, so that the person on the receiving end will feel happier and less burdened by your assistance, and not feel obligated to return your deeds.
"Cast your bread upon the waters,
for you will find it after many days.
Give a portion to seven, or even to eight,
for you know not what disaster may happen on earth.
If the clouds are full of rain,
they empty themselves on the earth,
and if a tree falls to the south or to the north,
in the place where the tree falls, there it will lie."
(Ecclesiastes 11: 1-3)
In the morning sow your seed,
and at evening withhold not your hand,
for you do not know which will prosper,
this or that, or whether both alike will be good.
(Ecclesiastes 11: 6)
"Rejoice, O young man, in your youth,
and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth.
Walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes.
But know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment."
(Ecclesiastes 11:9)
I remember now why I chose to come back. I had played and learned so much for the past three years, that I wanted to live in my home country which allows me to be a practising Christian, not just one who's filled with faith, but without action.
Really, Jean, start being realistic and embrace your present life. The only time is now. One can play as much, but what are the consequences? Will you be happy with it? What's most important to you at the moment?
Now that you have understood and discover yourself, it is time for your to start understanding others. Only then you will start building successful and healthy relationships with others. It is never too late to start. Start now.
Before, I used to resent all the giving. Sometimes, the feeling of being taken advantage of is rather overwhelming. I learnt that this is because I always felt victimized and being pushed into a corner. I didn't realize that I always had a choice. And I had the power to say "NO" too! I had to learn to be assertive, and not conform to the expectations of others all the time. By the end of my short 3-year stint abroad, I learnt the power of saying 'no', being assertive and the value of practising open and direct communication. While it may not be common, I learnt that as long as I am honest, sincere and genuine in my communication, it will be well accepted.
"But above all, my brothers, do not swear,
either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath,
but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no,
so that you may not fall under condemnation."
(James 5:12)
It is time to live up to your word, to say what you mean, and mean what you say. Don't do things half-heartedly. Don't say 'yes' just because you want to fill up your time, or because you have nothing better to do, or because you don't know what else to do. Do it because you want to, not because you are afraid that others will take offence if you say 'no'. Don't lie to yourself or others. Be truthful to yourself. Give others a chance too!
And learn to take everything in stride, joy, pain, happiness, sorrow, laughing, shouting, crying... because each day is as equal as the other.
"Rejoice, rejoice,
in the good days and the bad,
but remember , dark days will be many,
all that comes is vanity"
(Ecclesiastes 11:8)
" Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting,
is to eat and drink and find enjoyment,
in all the toil with which one toils under the sun,
the few days of his life that God has given him,
for this is his lot. "
(Ecclesiastes 5:18)
" Everyone also to whom God has given wealth and possessions and power to enjoy them,
and to accept his lot and rejoice in his toil—this is the gift of God"
(Ecclesiastes 5:19)
"In the day of prosperity be joyful,
and in the day of adversity consider:
God has made the one as well as the other,
so that man may not find out anything that will be after him."
(Ecclesiastes 7:14)
And so, this is my new motto for this year:
- To accept my lot.
- To distribute my resources.
- To rejoice in the good days and the bad.
- To love myself.
- To love and compliment others.
I hope I will remember all of them.
